Is The Best Really Yet 2 B?

Ever get scared that 'this is all there is'?

As a parent, I’ve noticed throughout the yrs that each of us is a ‘great parent’ at different stages of our kids. In other words, our natural bent and personality allows us to parent naturally in some stages. Whereas in other stages of childhood, teen-hood, adult-hood, we struggle to parent effectively.

Some parents find it easy to roll around on the floor with their toddlers. I found the stage of early speaking rewarding and surprisingly easy with my son and then again when he reached early adult hood. I felt I had valuable things to offer that he needed in those stages. It’s better for children, me thinks, if a kid has 2 parents (I was a single parent) so that two people can contribute their ‘easy’ stages, hopefully not coinciding.

Which brings me to what concerns me this weekend b4 the big giving thanks opportunity: Thanksgiving. I’ve also noticed through the years while speaking with multitudes of people about their lives that, just as our mind seems to stick us in a certain age (hey, inside I still C myself as 32), everyone gets around to describing a time in their life (their ‘hay days’?)--a time that resonated with some part of their psyche.

A time when they felt, what? Most alive? Most valued? Most useful? Most involved in life? Most successful? I’m thinking of a University professor and author who always waxes nostalgic about his decade in Paris amongst notable and famous authors. Each time we speak, he brings up an adventure or an event from that long ago time. He’s been retired some time now, struggling to write and appears resigned and somehow deflated. I’ve always felt somewhat sad that this stage of his life does not ‘live up to’ past standards.

This week I’ve been wondering if I’m doing the same thing. One of my ‘lacks’ has always been a lousy memory. Every ‘lack’ is also a ‘plus’. It’s hampered my career, but not my personal life (I can never remember why I’m suppose to b mad at anyone and can hide my own Easter eggs. I’m naturally a person who lives in the future and has continually struggled to ‘B Here Now’ as Dam Ross advises.

"Yesterday is a cancelled check, tomorrow is a promissory note, today is cash."

I’ve spent very little time reviewing my past and it’s triumphs and tribulations. I was too busy surviving and trying 2 prove myself. ‘To make my mark’ as it were.

“The events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves they find their own order,…the continuous thread of revelation.” ~Eudora Welty

This week I’ve begun a project that finally got some priority on my bucket list: to note a few major events from each year of my life, i.e. got married, had a child, got a new job, moved, made a decision, etc. Kind of like a life review, an overview of my life’s path, a personal memoir. Maybe to observe the ebb and flow and realize that some decisions I thought were minor actually shaped my life. It is a lengthy project, not just because I’m OLD, but ‘cause I have to locate my journals to rediscover those events.

For example, to sign up for social security I had to put dates of marriage and divorce. I looked up my 1st husband (my son’s dad) on FaceBook and ask him what years we were married (1971-1978). He knew. I knew he’d know, even tho we haven’t communicated for decades.

Here's what scares me. I’ve always believed in every fiber of my being, at every age, that ‘the best was yet 2 b’. That belief (plus my Midwestern work-hard heritage) has faithfully propelled me thru the tough patches and kept my nose to the grindstone and my eye on the goal(s). I’ve always been big on making and reaching goals.

Somehow, somewhere along the way I’ve lost that faith. Not sure if it’s my age or the fact that I now live in the mid-west, far away from what I’ve always considered ‘the action’. Also, in my mind’s eye of ‘the best that was suppose 2 b’ I’ve seen myself as one of those people who I seem to always notice: couples living hand-in-hand with someone who has shared their history, knows what the other thinks and wants and is able to provide some of that.

I’ve worked, schemed, and planned towards this particular ‘goal’ with no success. Why is this one goal so illusive? What am I pretending not to know? What am I incapable of seeing? Is this just another later version of the Mid-life Crisis? Have I learned from my mistakes? And worst of all: Have I already had the best of what is to b ‘Linda’s life’?

I know the solution is a change of perspective, a paradigm shift. But that feels way too close to ‘giving up’ or defeat. I’ve always been invigorated by new challenges. Maybe I need a new project that has some chance 2 succeed. My tenaciousness (another good-bad trait) keeps me from letting go of this particular goal, even tho it is beginning to seem more like a dream than a possibility. Michael J. Fox said on Oprah last week, “I’ve learned the difference between acceptance and resignation.” There must b a reason I latched onto that statement.

“You live life forward. You understand it by looking backward.”

I’d still like 2 believe I can look forward to my Halcyon years!

SoulMate in Training—what I learn from my GF.

We love our GFs. Most times we even like them. At other times they stretch our patience. By being herself, she has taught me how to successfully navigate in a serious relationship. I’ve learned tolerance, forgiveness and empathy; what a close, long-term, committed relationship requires to be successful.

My life is controlled, calm and often boring. I have 3 serious, sensible, sane brothers. I’ve live alone for 15 years. Lee’s life, from birth, has been ‘on the edge’ and tumultuous. Her darling husband seems determined to annoy her. They live amidst a maelstrom of females—3 daughters, several teenage and younger grandchildren--each one clamoring for attention trying to out-drama queen each other. A recent study says that women cry between 23-46 times a year. Since I haven’t cried for years (not counting the emotional welling up at commercials), that brood has used up my portion and many other’s. Bedlam and chaos are the norm. Tears, ranting, raving and daily soap opera antics are played out non-stop. They thrive on it. It exhausts me.

How, one might ask, could we be friends? She daily crazies up my life. She adds worry and stress to my placid existence. But that is not the reason we are good friends.

She is my friend for all the reasons one reads on those tedious, ubiquitous sappy Hallmarkie ‘love notes’ one receives daily via our inbox. And because she reminds me why I augur through the trying parts of our relationship—for the lessons and the rewards.
Consider yesterday. She and her ‘annoying’ husband, who just happens to be, among all his responsibilities, a volunteer policeman, were driving to a family gathering. They pass what appeared to be a lady obviously distressed, sobbing into a phone sitting in vehicle parked at the curb.

I’m the ‘don’t’ get involved’ type. Life threatening crisis? I’ll step up. My family involved? I’ll be there first even if I have to jump out of a speeding car. A stranger having a melt down? Nope. I drive by thinking, “none of my business”, “that’s her personal business”, or “another unhappy chick who had a fight with her BF”.

Not my GF.

“Stop Mike!” she demands. He lowers his window and asks, "R U ok?" “Ye-ss, yeess, “ the woman whispers. “Just having a bad day.” If I were in the back seat I’d be thinking, “Good, we’ve done our good Samaritan duty. Now let’s get out of here.” A cowardly reaction, for sure, but easy to defend.

Not Lee. As Mike, relieved, pulls away, Lee yells “Wait!” She jumps out, walks back to the lady, and says over her shoulder, “She’s not going to confide in a man.” “I’ll sit with her; you go ahead. Come back to get me.”

Reluctantly Mike drives off. If U knew Lee, you’d realize that she didn’t grab her phone. A distressed human is something Lee understands and she’s ferocious in any untoward situation.
“I asked the crazy woman who was on the phone,” Lee relates. “My crisis counselor,” was the reply. Lee inquires about her family. She’s just moved here, “on the advise of my therapist”. Lee decides not to pry, but asks what the counselor suggested. “She told me to go home.” Cut to the chase. Lee takes the woman home. She notices scars—multiple slash marks on exposed parts of her body. Not only a ‘crazy lady’, but a cutter. Suicidal?

After she reassures herself that the lady is stable, calm, and near her phone, Lee realized that Mike won’t return anytime soon. A woman of action, off to walk the 4-miles home. In her clogs!
As I listen to her tale and observe her blisters, I am, once again, reminded why she’s my friend.

Among the vicissitudes and messiness of life, relationships, and personalities, my GF teaches me that ‘strangers’ are part of our family; she teaches me what ‘love thy neighbor’ means. She teaches me compassion, ruthless bravery and what unconditional love feels/looks like. She teaches me that dramatic over-reactions are just that—reactions a bit over-the-top, not fuel for the weakest and cowardly parts of our selves--but food for our souls.

MileStone Moment

Death, Taxes and Social Security

I merrily spent my life glib, naïve and cavalier. I watched the oldsters wishing their lives away counting their days til they were able to get their Social Security…and in need of supplemental income, as meager as it seemed. Why didn’t they plan? No exit strategy?

Enough has transpired to almost convince us they are both real and unavoidable—and just maybe, to be celebrated. One hopes the day will eventually come, given the alternative. Like death, it’s such a shock we can’t believe it applies to us; then we wholeheartedly engage in denial.

What about those people we’ve known whom actually embraced the end? Circumstantial, we think. Must be resignation, regrets or lack of resources (financial, emotional or physical) to continue. Often the person has ‘lived a good enough life’ to concede that since there is no escaping, we might as well acquiesce with Grace. Or, the pain, the conditions make another day purely impossible to continue. Death, they whisper, ‘will be/was a welcome blessing’.

While engaged in mid-series of our favorite TV show, we wonder how there could b a time when it/we do not exist. Jack Bower’s 24 got his final hours on Monday. In 8 seasons, much changed in ‘what feels like’ a very short time (each TV hour was actually a quick ‘real time’ 60 minutes). Jack was our 21st Century superhero trying to save the world from us. Who will help us now?

Notice how Jack aged in those oh-so-short few hours. As did we; sort of sneaking up on cats feet. Where did all that time go? Why am I so old? I’m thrilled to have escaped the Grim Reaper for all this time. I just never really believed I would ever get old enf to b one of ‘those people’ who looked forward, who counted down the days, til they could register for Social Security. Now that was old.

My red-letter day arrived this week. Actually, I joined their ranks a few years back. Counting my pennies, watching my retirement fund evaporate in the financial melee until it was a race to age 62 to see if I would make it b4 my bank account registered zero.

I knew in my head that, given the good fortune to live this long, this incomprehensible day would come. I just didn’t know I’d spend so much time looking forward to it and be so ecstatic about it!

I had a major hint: my personality. In our world, there are future people, past people and present people. I was born a future person…which, like all types, has its plus sides. I wrote lists of tasks to b done, made and accomplished goals and looked forward to the future, which I ‘knew’ would be even better. I felt sorry for the people who existed in the past and envied those who spent time smelling the roses. I, like the happiness experts, strove to find the Power of the NOW, 2 b present ‘in the moment’. I failed.

I misinterpreted a favorite, “Yesterday is a cancelled check, tomorrow is a promissory note, today is CASH!” My version: “Got cash? Spend it Now!”

There have been other MileStone Moments. For those with excellent memories: the first day of kindergarden. I remember wondering what my 1st romantic kiss would feel like. I was NOT looking forward to that embarrassing moment. Just so happens, it came years after getting my driver’s license MileStone Moment. MSM often do not arrive timely or as imagined.

MileStone Moments often show up out of chronological sequence. I did not have time to conjure up a day without parents. My dad dropped dead suddenly at age 45, never having contemplated collecting SS. I definitely remember wondering how I would feel and look after my first sexual experience. Would I look/act different the next day? Will everyone know? I had plenty of time to wonder, as that uneventful MSM didn’t occur til I was 21 and married.

My first job. Graduating from high school. Getting married. Having a baby. His first day at kindergarden. Buying a house. Getting crows feet. A first grandchild. Thanking my lucky stars for being fortunate enough to experience all the pleasures, and losses, expected and surprising, along the path to retirement, SS and the penultimate Day of Reckoning—taking me full circle.

I am still naïve, but no longer glib and cavalier. I can no longer afford those luxuries. I’m still attempting to live in the present as I drag my feet, digging in my heels to keep me from sliding over the finish line.

Dylan Thomas’s poem begins, “Do not go gentle into that good night. Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. "

I’m still on the top side of the grass. I can still have MileStone Moments and opportunities to check items off my Bucket List. Even Jack Bower, and those of us who have counted on him to keep our world safe, will have his swan song—a 24 movie is in the works.

I will look forward to that movie. Oopsy! I will enjoy this moment, this bird in the hand. Given the opportunity, I will enjoy both final episodes.

Bloggers in the news this week-May 2-8

Unexpected Gifts...

Thwarted & Realized Dreams

I know that Nashville is under water. I know the Dow Jones dropped 1,000 pts in mere minutes. I know Tiger and Phil, the thrill, almost missed the cut at the Players. I know terrorists are still plotting our demise. Of course I know it’s Mother’s Day weekend. I’ve been working in a florist shop on that holiday for years. I live that weekend like few get to—basking in the joy of picking out, arranging and selling those tributes even b 4 the Mother’s even lay eyes on their gifts. Lucky me.

This missive is not about Mother’s. It is about mother’s and fathers. It’s about those of us who have learned that most our Bucket Lists can still b realized at any age, with ‘conditions’. We’re not surprised, are we? Life has always not only been unfair, but ‘with conditions’. Alas, many of us never learn this lesson. It comes right after auguring thru the years and suffering infinite blows of disilusionment. If we’re still standing and still interested in growing, we get to ‘work on’ that predicament.

This is about those of us who still tilt at windmills and refuse to let the ugliness of life intrude on our consciousness. We still have a chance at a second and third version of our lives. Many of us, by this age, have suffered unknowable tragedies—losing a child, a chance, a parent, a limb, a home, our retirement, our mind or our health. Yes, life is, ultimately, about loss. Even these unfortunate souls can get to the brink of ‘next’—making them luckier than those of us who have not had to surmount the highest mountains and still find a way to face the next day.

I’m also including those of us who make our own mountains out of generally invisible molehills. We have seen the enemy, and we face it in the mirror. It reflects those of us who lament real or manufactured faults to the point of inaction: "I’m too [fill in the blank—fat, stupid, poor, tired…]" or "I don’t have enough […money, love, support, advantage, friends…]." It's just as paralyzing.

Some of us, after experiencing the vicissitudes of life, have, throughout our lives, altered our Bucket List. After several broken ankles, a torn hamstring, an ACL blown, a broken leg, a bad left knee and right hip, I’ve crossed off an item from my list written in my early 20’s: “jump out of a perfectly good airplane’. Thirty-five years ago when RAGBRAI, the bike ride across Iowa, was created, I added it to my list. Life, as it tends to do with our plans, got in the way. This year I’m planning on accomplishing that feat, altered somewhat given my present condition. I’ll do 3 of the 7 days, therefore accomplishing my goal, given current conditions.

If conditionally is a negative word in your vocabulary, GET OVER IT! It’s a matter of one of the themes of my book—the dreaded Change. A perfect illustration? Think of a world class long distant runner who loses his legs in an accident. The one who now competitively competes in marathons in his (wheel) chair. Think about it. Are U tough enf, persistent enf, resourceful enf, flexible enf to pursue your dreams ‘in altered conditions’?

Another theme in my book is that ‘it’s never too late’; but b mindful that although we have arrived at the moment when ‘our toes curl over the edge of our grave’, we are still on the sunny top side of the grass.

And, all together class: 'We still have options!'

Unlike 56 yr old mud engineer, Keith Manuel, who does no longer. Divorced father of 3 grown daughters had plans to be married next month. Unfortunately, he was one of the eleven rig worker souls lost in the explosion in the Gulf of Mexico--uxenexpected and unwanted dreams thwarted.

Yet, the hills are live with music, even for Julie Andrews, who underwent a botched surgery on her voice box in 1997 and was told that she would ‘never sing again’. Not only a loss for her --her livelihood, her gift, her self-image--but also loss for her past and potential audience. Tonight she will mount a stage in Londo and sing again for the first time in 30 years! With a caveat to her listeners to lower their expectations: “Please don’t expect me to sound like before,” she warned.

Did she play potato bug and curl mutely into a fetal position? No way. After processing her grief, she went on to become a writer, an actress with speaking roles and Dame Andrews. And after tonight, she’ll have become the new songster Julie Andrews, having accomplished her goal, conditionally.

Life is a tenuous, evanescent, fragile gift. What are U doing, thinking today?

The Wistfulness of Boomers

This phenomena of wistfulness is mentioned briefly in my book: “Boomers suffer from a pervasive feeling of ‘persistent wistfulness’. Searching. For meaning. A purpose. A reason for living. Longing for an unfulfilled need. A desire for ‘one final fling’. For one last chance to satisfy that craving.”

Wistful can be defined as a pervasive yearning and feeling a prolonged melancholy for something not acquired, not experienced. This ‘label’ may feel sad and too pensive, too pessimistic and the immediate temptation is to pooh-pooh its existence in our lives. Before you disregard this feeling in yourself, consider that it may be the harbinger of change, of positive action.

There is no avoiding wistfulness, as it comes with the territory. My favorite poem, Robert Frost’s, The Road Not Taken expounds on 'there is no reverse in life' with a situation that we've all faced (consciously or not) in our lives, “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both and be one traveler, long I stood…Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”As Boomers, we have already gone down that road taken.

We have a very short supply of EVERYTHING: time, hope, options, healthy days.

Frost knows that we can’t go back and take the first road. But we can still feel wistful and regret. Our choice is to either harness its energy or buckle under to its weight.

Of course if you are suffering from nostalgia for something past, there aren’t any antidotes.
If you feel a desire, an unsatisfied longing for something better than the present situation, something not yet lived; there is hope. The key word here is ‘live’. You are in the drivers seat. Whose name is going 2 b on your headstone? Take charge of that person’s life force while it is still possible.

U might remember a T. S. Eliot’s poem from our high school lit class, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock in which he finds himself closer to the end than the beginning: “It was a soft October night”. Is that not where we Boomers find ourselves in the relative scheme of life? Three-quarters through our allotted time on earth has passed. He ponders what he’s done and what he could do. At first he is hopeful, “There will be time, there will be time for you and time for me, and time yet for a hundred indecisions, and for a hundred visions and revisions.”

Then he remembers how he has lived his life so far, “I have measured out my life with coffee spoons” But then: “And indeed there will be time to wonder, ‘Do I dare?’ and Time to turn back and descend the stair.” He questions whether he has it in him and if, indeed, there really is time, “Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.” He wonders if he’ll “Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? (…) I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, and in short, I was afraid.”
It’s open to interpretation, but my reading is that he caves into his previous way of life.

It’s easy to say we will do something different, witnessed in the popular poem, When I Am Old I Will Wear Purple. Will she? Some doubt it. It is not easy to change, to buck the Juggernaut tidal wave of wistful. Discontentment with the present situation can be a strong motivator for change if we resist. If we don’t let it drown us in drink or denial or inertia, or hopelessness.
It takes just as much energy to become a champion channel changer, grumbler, or resister.

If U have a hankering or a yearning to get or do something you’ve not yet done, write it on your Bucket List and start figuring out what it takes to get started. If you are SoulMate-less and haven’t looked, Just Do It! If you’ve searched and have not yet succeeded, change something and get off your duff. Those who don’t buy lottery tickets have zero chance to cash in.
What have u got to lose? What is the worse case scenario? Think about how the best case scenario looks, feels? What would U b doing now if U had that special someone?

An 80-year old woman wrote in a recent Ask Amy column that she’d been married twice and never felt giddy ‘in love’ until she recently met her third husband. It’s never too late, she reminds us. Do U have the guts, the courage, or the audaciousness? U have the time. Do U feel entitled to happiness, to round three? There is an expert to answer that question. Consult the Avatar of that engraved name on the marble headstone.

Go as far as you can see. When you get there you will be able to see further. ~Thomas Carlyle

Part II, “Why Can’t We Find Our SoulMate?”

Reason #6: Denial.

In an earlier post, I asked U to ‘stay tuned’ as I tried to answer this question. I told you that I am, like U, a work in process. And since this topic is at the crux of the problem and the solution, it must b worked on, compiled, revisited and revised. Which is, as U already know, a Hobby Horse of mine.

Oh not another ‘come 2 Jesus meeting’ with ourselves? What’s left to dissect? How easy it is to peer over our ego and diagnosis others’ ‘problem’ and find the fatal flaws that keep them from finding the Love of their Lives. It is next to impossible to turn around the binoculars and pierce our own souls. It’s a basic instinctual survival trick to keep us from putting a gun to our head for relief from reality.

Have U ever noticed that when we r not vigilant, the veil of denial is accidentally lifted. Walking down the street a retail window becomes a mirror and reflects our image when we are not prepared to shroud it with our minds eye. Is my butt really that big? No way! Must b a defect in the glass.

If you’re like me, U feel some special younger age (mine is 32) on the inside, therefore, how can the calendar say we r 62? Must b some mistake. Last I looked in the mirror, I didn’t look a day over 50. I’ve looked the same for years. Until one vulnerable morning, while putting on our make-up, we all of a sudden do a double take. Where did those 12 years come from?! I didn’t notice those sagging jowls and hooded eyes yesterday morning. Another survival trick to keep us ‘in the game’. Guess Mother Nature thought we could handle a dose of reality this morning. Not sure she was right. Fortunately, we won’t have to endure another such moment for another decade. Whew!

How does denial relate 2 not finding our SoulMate? What are you pretending not to know? Do U have unrealistic expectations? Do U seek that which does not exist? A reality check might b in order. It’s not Fuhgedda-boudit, but Think-about-it.

Stay tuned for Part III: our fears and self-sabatoge.

The “B” Word...Ba-Ba-Baggage

April Fool's Day, 2010. Where did we think we were going 2 b on this day a decade ago? It's a good bet we would not have predicted this!

If you're like me, Single and searching, the question of Baggage must b addressed. Since we all carry baggage, we'll have to deal with a Potentials baggage as well. When is baggage a Deal Breaker?

Baggage can be difficult to detect. The physical mark of previous pain worn by Holocaust survivors fades with time, but it’s easily recognized. We are all survivors of something—child abuse, a mundane life, a tragedy, disappointments and disillusionments. Most such challenges have made us stronger. They leave a mark, but it’s not always visible.

Previous problems and trauma can be positive. Our tough experiences have probably made us better people, better neighbors, better partners, and better parents. Yet, if they haven’t been dealt with and used for growth, they become a problem for a potential partner. Your unpacked baggage becomes their albatross.

Early in my Internet dating experience, I had my share of dates from hell (DFH). I take responsibility because I’d failed to properly pre-qualify them and showed up for a 1st Date. [In-depth description of the all-important picking process found in the book.]

Yesterday I received an e- from a very cute fellow Seeker, Quixote, who’d had “well over 8 years trying to find that soul mate using several internet dating sites”. He has “run into many unexpected personalities and issues”, but thinks “it is the best solution for meeting women at this stage of life”. He sent me a list of personalities and issues he’s experienced.

1. Narcissism
2. Bi-Polar Manic Depression/ Alcoholic
3. Multiple Personality
4. Parental Interference
5. Interference from children/"friends"
6. Married women who claim to be single
7. Controlling personalities
8. Religious freaks

Richard of Arizona calls it “sorting through damaged merchandise”. He says it’s a problem because he “hasn’t been exposed to the stuff we’re trying to get away from”. It’s difficult to recognize a bi-polar personality if we haven’t previously known anyone with that affliction.

We all have our bag of tricks to discover hidden agendas and baggage. Quixote resorted to the psychology book DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) to help identify/understand the personalities.

“Since we don’t have much time left,” Quixote elaborated, "I decided to “pick someone reasonably sane and go for it”. Subsequently, he had several live-in relationships . “In this close exposure I discovered those personalities and issues”.

To b fair, women told him stories about men who fit those descriptions, plus the sociopath (the Ted Bundy personality). This “personality is not in DSM-IV but will be covered in the next version of DSM (version V)”.

We do not have to go to that extreme to recognize this type of baggage. Quixote and I compared ways to discern problem areas (baggage). He compiled his own list of rules. [Compared with mine in a later post].

We all have baggage. We all respond differently to others’ baggage. Our task is to determine if his/her luggage is something we can handle. If it is a Deal Breaker.

Has Quixote given up? Absolutley not! Armed with this new info, he's still seeking: “I learned to value my freedom of being a single person living in peace.”

“Peace is its own reward.” ~Mohandas Gandhi

‘Personality’ baggage encountered by Quixote may qualify as luggage, but it is too hot, too heavy and too much for any of us to lug around. It's an obvious Deal Breaker. These personalities, if the Ground Rules are followed, will be discovered within ninety-days (Ground Rule #1). None of us should ever get to the co-habitating stage.

Learn from our experienced in baggage handling. Take the passion out of the picking process. Use our tactics to discover pink and red flags. Make a ditch decision (No-Go) before Chemistry kicks in and makes it impossible to walk away or think clearly.

“The only source of knowledge is experience.” ~Albert Einstein.

Aging. It Ain't 4 the Faint of Heart!

One thing we wish we never learned about ourselves.

I’ve always had a cherub face and looked younger than my chronological age. It angered me. I always wanted to be older, i.e. suave and sophisticated. I wanted the gaunt, exotic, dramatic look of the ‘60’s movie stars.

One of the 1st signs that my body was degenerating occurred around 40. I slowly noticed that I was no longer asked for my ID when buying alcohol. Then, I got my wisdom teeth pulled, and all of a sudden, I had ‘less than round’ cheeks. Way 2 go girl! I thought. If I had known, I would have had that done years ago.

While traveling in recent years, I’ve secretly been thrilled [or going out of my way to] ordered a beer at an airport lounge as they were asked me for my ID. And the lightening was'nt even dimmed. Eventually I observed, dejected, as I realized they asked EVERYONE 4 their ID. Some sort of blanket control mechanism? Damn!

I occasional work at a grocery store in Iowa. The cash register, when ringing up an alcoholic beverage, asks that we enter the customer’s birth date. Last week in Oregon, shopping for a dinner party, I purchased a bottle of wine. Checking prices while unpacking, I noticed printed blatantly on the receipt, “age verification bypassed”. If there was ever a reason to pop the cork pre-dinner! Proof, once again, that we can never, ever outrun the aging process.

Hint to grocers: If the customer looks way too old to verify age, quietly push the ‘it’s ok’ button, but do not rub it in by printing it in black & white on our receipt! We may b past any doubt, but we r old enf to drink and we still have enf money & sense to shop elsewhere.

“Calm, calm me more! nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.”
~Matthew Arnold

What? Valentine's Day & No SoulMate Yet?

What's a Nice Girl Like U…?
During an interview this week with Mary Marino, the delightful entrepreneur, owner and CEO of the online magazine, Flashionista.com*, I struggled with one particular question. The question was, basically, the exact question I’ve asked myself for several years and one I’m sure is in the mind of many readers:

“What’s wrong with U girl?
Why can’t U find one guy for an ongoing relationship after 400 1st Dates?”

Mary, being a gracious lady, actually asked, “After 10 yrs. & over 400 1st Dates, what have U learned about yourself that might b standing in the way of finding someone?” Great question.

Never one to back off from a challenge, I began listing reasons, excuses, and, finally, hemmed and hawed around for far too long. Shouldn’t I have had a ready answer since that’s one of the reasons I wrote the book? The old fiction, ‘Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.’ comes immediately to mind. But, I happen to agree with

Albert Einstein’s “The only source of knowledge is experience.”

We all have trust and abandonment issues that present obstacles to our quest. Some of us to a greater degree. We ultra-Boomers may have more than our share after suffering disappointments and misadventures.

It is very difficult to see ourselves as others see us. Especially through the eyes & minds of the opposite sex. When we ask our good friends, they say in unison, “U r too picky!” What the heck does that mean anyway? It’s like when men tell their friends, “I dumped her because she’s too high maintenance.” That’s a subject for another time, but ‘picky’ and ‘high maintenance’ are defined individually.

I told Mary that I take responsibility for being part of the problem. Anyone must examine their expectations if they were proactively seeking a SoulMate for as long as I have. I admitted to being unrealistic in the beginning. The first few years I didn’t make locating him enough of a priority. I wasn’t really ready. Maybe the process would have been shorter if my book had been available back then.

If I were seeking a convenient companion, an activity partner, a husband or a sugar daddy, I’d had that long ago. I’ve had half dozen serious marriage proposals from nice guys. Nice guys with no financial restrictions. But I wasn’t just seeking ‘someone’. Locating a SoulMate is a completely different matter. And I didn’t begin to understand the definition of a SoulMate until after my second divorce.

Beyond experience, personality factors into the answer. I’ve had to be independent and strong to raise my son solo living on the expensive west coast. To survive, I had to believe that I didn’t need anyone. I was always trying to prove that I was capable of this or that. I also had to learn that need does not equal needy. Some of us stubborn Germans are slow learners.

I come across as capable, not dependent and in need. Men seem to get that message loud and clear. In fact, at times I am and other times I’m not. But, I now know that I need a capable, smart, open-minded equal. An interdependent relationship with a guy who is not intimidated by my façade of strength and my periodic bouts of intensity. An intensity that could come across, those rare times when I feel I have found that creature, as any number of not-so-wonderful traits. Imagine that intensity from the other side? It could even mimic desperation.

I know what I need, what trips my trigger and when I find him, I know it within a few dates. It is difficult to wait for him to catch up. I am impatient. I don’t want to fake being merely interested, but know that one must dish out the same amount of affection and interest as the other person is capable of receiving in their process to get to know U. Otherwise, the unbalance will trip up the budding relationship and cause one participant to run in fear.

Mary then asked me if I believed there is only one Mr. Perfect? I scoffed since I believe that one is destined to failure with that bizarre belief. I also do not believe that I just haven’t yet met the right guy. With 78 million Boomers (two-thirds of them single), surely I have already met many that could-have-been my SoulMate. Actually, I recognized several Potentials.

What, then, is the problem? Ground Rule #7: “Timing is Everything” speaks volumes. Timing, as I describe it in my book, “occurs when, just for this instant, this moment in time, his readiness, his reality, and his life stage somehow, magically, miraculously match yours.”

As I survey my heartbreaks, I discovered that one Potential thought he was ready, yet he wasn’t quite there. Another went back to his previous GF. Another wasn’t that into me, not literally, but figuratively. He realized it, but he failed to inform me. In hindsight, I misdiagnosed another Potential. The last one was a coward who evaporated sans explanation. Maybe I didn’t investigate thoroughly. Maybe I trusted with full belief that he was disclosing all the important and relevant information that affected ‘us’. Ground Rule #6 ruled: ‘There is always more to the story’.

I’ve heard from a plethora of men that they suffer regret by not recognizing a quality potential SoulMate before they became experienced enough to know what they needed. They sigh and sob that they ‘mismanaged’ the relationship, didn’t take the process seriously or brushed her off too soon. Maybe thinking that there were more and better options around the corner. In reality, I tell them, they were simply not ready. We need two ready people for a relationship to blossom.

I have one strong clue. Most of the nice guys I declined to date beyond the 1st Date have since found their SoulMate and are happily playing duo in their retirement. They send me e’s about their happiness and photos to show off their ‘Look at us!’ miles. Was our encounter a mismatch or was he ready and I was not?

Mary inquired about a related question that she had an answer, “Do U think adopting a different mindset would help?” The answer, obviously, is ‘of course’. But what is that other mindset? She, ike me, believes that there is a very real need for the information in my book, but she'd figured out this one herself. As a never-been-married career woman at 47, she recognized her paramour (for the past 4 years) after meeting only 6 online guys! She worked through her initial reservations in the relationship, took the risk and won the Lottery of Love.

The rest of the answer? For me, not yet totally revealed. Stay tuned. I’ll figure it out. Remember, I’m a slow learner, but I do not give up easily.

*The answers to the other great questions, that I actually could answer, can be found in an upcoming issue Mary’s the Flashionista Report at www.Flashionist.com. It’s a free bi-weekly e-newsletter that is a guide to hot topics and cool information about fashion, lifestyle and well-being for Boomettes.

On-side Kick

No longer underwater and in danger of drowning?
Ok, here’s the deal. Did U ever listen to oldsters wish away their lives and begin to count the days til they would retire and then begin to collect their SS? Did U notice the successful work-a-holics pass a magical age (usually 50) and seem to ‘run out steam’? We heard them say, “I’ll leave this to the younger people with more energy”.

We now know that they not only ‘got smart’ but the testosterone levels were dropping and, as they begin to reassess their lives, they glimpsed what was important and what was instilled in them – programmed if U will – to do. Was it actually wisdom? Was it giving up? Or giving in? Guess what? We r now those people. And don’t we understand them better? If this is the way of the world, and inevitable, is it good or bad? Is it escapable?

That brings me to today’s nightmare. Turning into those we sneered at in our naiveté and youth. I’m not going to jump all the way over the line and easily join those on the other side. No way. But I’ve noticed myself becoming those people. All the while fighting against being those people. A bit like glimpsing my Mom looking back at me from the mirror more times than not.

“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.” ~Socrates, 399 B.C.

Let’s do what I’m going to call from now on “a Bree moment”. Go Saints! SuperBowl last night. Did U c MVP Saints QB Brees immediately after the game holding onto his bright-eyed baby son? His first season of being alive, he was only interested in the colored lights and movement. Brees, with glistening eyes, was subliminally soaking up the admiration of his teammates and the millions of fans; but he was also holding onto what was really important. Forcing himself, consciously, to put his hero-ship in perspective.

Last night an Eagar Reactor (in the book, Ground Rule 5, pgs. 83-84, 130) stood me up. I was not surprised. I was not disappointed. Actually, I was a bit relieved. I didn’t have to get dressed for a date and drive in the snow to meet someone I figured I wouldn’t connect with long term anyway.

Is that the cynicism that I promised myself I would never sub scrum to? It is. No matter how I couch it, it is. No amount of rationalizing can transform that blatant emotion into an admirable trait. I’ve always had what a friend once long ago called “a healthy dose of skepticism”. But this is more than doubt. It’s not pessimism. I’m the original ‘glass half full’ gal. I’m afraid it’s downright realistic. It’s come down to distrust.

Ok, so I’ve never really ‘trusted’ easily. Down deep. I’ve acted like I trusted. And jumped into other people’s unrealistic ways and dreams like I trusted. But did I really?

A preponderance of evidence. Isn’t that what the legal world terms it when the evidence for weights heavier than the evidence against?

Have I really stepped over that invisible line (finally crossing the Rubicon) that labels me resigned? Resigned that I will grow old alone? That my dream of celebrating a big number anniversary will never come to fruition? That my seeking and rejecting and choosing and being rejected over and over is somehow my fault?

I have never been a ‘pushover’. My trait of persistence, which has served me well in many situations, like all traits, has a downside. Combined with my goals and dreams for myself it has allowed me to shine in my career paths. In my personal life, it has let me down. I believe in myself and have always ignored the doubters. And seized many brass rings. But in my personal life, I seek more than brass. And, my dreams have not materialized. Despite my efforts and faith. I’ve slipped into the state of insanity defined as “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.”

Hey, it worked in the work world! I have proof. But, don’t I also have proof that it doesn’t work in my personal life?

Am I really now one of those legion who finally say out loud instead of wondering, “I don’t want to go thru the effort to get a guy in my life”? We’ve all listened to those people (usually they were older than us) and silently chided them for their obviously disingenuous words. Maybe, just maybe, those people were not being hypocrites. As we thought. Maybe they were resigned and working on living with (and surviving) yet another disillusionment.

Does that really have to be a assured stage of life? We’ve suffered many other disillusions as we grew from infancy to adulthood. Is this just one more let down as our bodies slowly join our mind and get ‘down to earth’?

As stated in my book: When disappointment reigns, either take a break or make a new decision about what U want, what U need and what is realistic. What path is need for me and how do I want to frame it?

Yet, look at the Saints. Didn’t they win for the very 1st time? Largest comeback in SuperBowl history. They had to earn it. Incentive. They won with incentive. Three players were Haitians and then there was Katrina and Rita.

Maybe I (we?) should take a chance. Get back into the game...and...
Go for it at 4th and goal!

His 6 Tips for Women Seekers

I asked an experienced Internet Boomer guy to give me some quick tips for beginners from a man's perspective. Here are his 6 tips.

1) Women on dating sites ANSWER all your mail even if it's just no thanks. Better to be brutally honest than keep us in the dark.

2) MEN ARE VISUAL CREATURES. (so are women ) We don't want to see your dog cat. Put on your best (and newest) picture and so should us guys! IF you do agree to meet, don't wear something like you would when you just have to run out to Hy Vee for some milk.

3) If there's no chemistry that's OK. He's out there somewhere don't get discouraged. I look at it this way. I was born in Chicago. Had I stayed in Chicago all my life I probably would have met my Ms right there and lived happily ever after (ok maybe not forever but humor me) I moved to the suburbs Had I stayed there met Ms right etc, I left for Cedar Rapids Iowa, Then Omaha, then Georgia, Then…. So in reality POTENTIALLY there were 6 SIX places that to this day still contain that woman of my dreams I never met.

4) Treat the first get together as a mutual meeting of potential friends, not a date. A DATE is when A guy asks a girl out and he pays. A woman should want to invest in her future relationship as well. If it goes beyond that then I'll buy the dinner you get the tip etc.is a great way to not break the guys bank. Figure something out this is 2010 not 1957 and times have changed. Many women make more than the men these days. This is not a time for bruised egos or for a woman to say that she is old fashioned and the man pays regardless. That woman may find that she is not only old fashioned but also an old maid if she keeps that attitude!

5) Affection is ok. If the chemistry's there and things are going well then hold hands wink smile but NOWHERE is it written when or IF you have to have sex. Leave something to the guys imagination for later (remember men are visual->imagination->attraction) OK I think if the relationship is over a few months old and you have BOTH decided that it's monogamous then let your moral compass be your guide. Women remember there are PLAYERS out there (men remember that too ) don't open up your vulnerability too soon. cause if you get hurt you may emotionally shut yourself out of the next and possibly best guy that’s right for you.

6) IF IT GETS SERIOUS to the point of commitment please go to relationship counseling to work out any "issues" or "deal breakers" you might have. Get the book "The Five Languages of Love". It's also on CD or the book Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel it too is on CD.

I replied: love #4 and #5 !!!

Since I often experience compatibility and rarely experience Chemistry, if I do and it seems mutual, I go with it...I've discovered that some guys can either 'fake' Chemistry for a few months or don't know enf about what they seek that they mistake lust for Chemistry. Which makes them seem to b in the same place as I...

Instant SoulMate or Create-as-U-go?

Do U believe in ghosts? Goblins? Lockness Monster? SoulMates?

Do SoulMates actually exisit? During a conversation with a cute southern boy, 62, from Georgia, who titles his profile Looking for Miss Right rather than Miss Right Now! we chatted about SoulMates…

He wrote:
Long ago in a land far away, I ran into a couple with whom I matriculated from high school. She said - 'Heard you were divorced'. I said - Yeah, still looking for my soulmate. She said - listen dumby, you don't meet a soulmate, you culture them over the years.

I replied:
Is that the same as women who marry a man because she sees his potential and tried to make him into that person?
Can U say CHANGE?

Guys usually marry the woman they want to spend the next of their life with and are surprised when she changed....
[Evolved?]

Women, when getting divorced, complain that he is still the guy she married.
[i.e. she wasn't successful in changing him into her idealized version.]

So, I can't agree with that couple...sorry...

Do U agree? What’s your definition of a SoulMate?

In my Book, the definition of SoulMate fills the entire Chapter 6 (pgs 100-122).

Men Behaving Badly or Stinkin' Thinkin'? (Despicable dudes or Cynicism wins?)

When I began this Internet adventure, I swore that I would not become cynical.

My goal was to be realistically optimistic. Most Boomers, I continually believe, strive to keep an open mind, believe that we’re all fallible humans and want to find ‘the One’ with honesty and without tramping on other’s dreams. We strive to not cave into the cynical abyss, to become hardened and bitter despite evidence to the contrary that (wo)men can’t be trusted.

One of the most important lessons for Boomers in my book is how to get over a disappointing experience when Internet dating. How not to become discouraged when a Potential becomes an ex.

Many of U can relate to this experience.

When those of us who are rarely attracted to the opposite sex finally decide to take the plunge and trust are, once again, summarily dumped without explanation, who can blame us?

I’ve had men, many men, make promises and plans and suddenly renege and disappear, sometimes without warning, but always without closure.

One month I had 3 guys, who I’d been e-ing for months, each offering to join me somewhere for an ‘adventure,’ evaporated. Yes, all three of them! Go figure. It was disappointing, but not that discouraging since I had not had much experience with them in person, and therefore, were not attracted to them. I was not expecting any of them to follow thru. Ok, maybe one guy whom I had dated, seemed sincere and had proven in the past to be forthcoming and had followed thru on another occasion. Later, I discover that he had run off to Hawaii with a newly minted financee who was 20 yrs his junior. That’s another story concerning men, the age of their ‘conquests’ and, in his case, being pre-programmed to be attracted to exotic, foreign women.

The hurt, the broken dreams, the broken heart comes when we let down our guard and ‘fall’ for a guy who seems to be both reliable and honest. When I say ‘fall’ I mean the Chemistry/compatibility scales match and we want to believe.

Usually guys who are reliable are not that fun in bed, and fizzle. Those who sizzle in bed are not usually guys U can count on. After a 3-year hiatus from relationships, I thought I’d found a unique combination.

Mr. Wisc. pursued me with aplomb. I became mentally attracted to him. The ‘him’ he showed me, the ‘him’ I saw. He had what I admire. He was capable, intelligent, adventurous and we had similar visions of the life. 100% compatibility. When we discovered our Chemistry was 100%, I should have been leery.

Should, coulda, woulda. [Shoulda pulled out ‘The Ground Rules’, especially #1-90% of all relationships don’t last 90-Days].

He traveled hours to spend days with me. He flew, last minute, to Oregon to spend a week with my friends and me. Spontaneous. Yeah!

He complained several times about people who say they will do things and then don’t follow thru. I commiserated. I’ve had the very same experience. He gave c Surely a guy who understands and isn’t this way.opious examples of times he’d had to proceed alone when another dropped out.

He spent Thanksgiving with my family and friends. We poured over maps planning a Summer excursion. We enjoyed each other, watching TV, walking, and in the sack. Did I believe? U bet I did!

He declined to go to SunDiego for my family Christmas, but we planned a winter get-away. The ground was in deep freeze, but I wasn’t. A GF invited me to Mexico to her time-share. I declined saying, “My honey & I are going to someplace sunny together and I’ll be warm, very warm, thank you.”

We e-ed back and forth sharing websites and ideas for our trip. He declared, “I’ll get on the computer and make a plan.” Then, “Maybe I’ll drive up next week and we’ll seal it.”

U guessed it. I never heard from him again.

With no closure, the mind makes excuses. At first it’s, “He’s deathly ill and can’t call from the hospital.” A week later, “He’s gotten back together with his last love” even tho I inquired when we first hooked up, “Are U truly over her?”. Empathically he confirms that he is (although it was a 4 year relationship). Then, “Somehow he’s decided I’m not worth the effort”, etc.

Bingo! That’s the right answer. But…what about…when he said, did such-n-such?

Since I long ago learned not to inquire about “his reasons’…having never received an honest answer. Probably because even they don’t know, or care to dissect, therefore learning something about themselves. Anyway, it always comes across as begging, whining, sycophantic and is always fruitless. [see experience on pgs. 370-373 if U want reinforcement about why not to bug him.]

I know, I know it makes it easier with closure. But, sorry people, even closure isn’t closure. If you’ve fallen hard, U will still manufacture reasons it could still work.

Total disconnect is the only ending that works. No ending works well or fast, but chin up, save your dignity and walk in the opposite direction.

I’ve learned that you can never stop someone from dying nor make
someone love U.

Give it up already!

It’s difficult to not become cynical when he disappears and becomes ‘one of them’. But sarcasm and cynicism makes U hard. Hard is inflexible, will not bend and poisons your next relationship. Cynicism narrows your focus and guarantees you’ll start your next relationship opportunity with the unfruitful premise “he’s out to hurt me”, “he’s like them”. I can’t trust him. I can’t be open. Such stinkin thinking limits the field.

Resist. Resist. Resist.

Let go of the dream of what U thought U had.

If you really had it, he’d still be with you. Or as my son said when I cried, “It was the perfect relationship.” He replied, “Guess not Mom, or he’d still be in it.”

Oprah says, “People show U who they are”. Maya Angelou again, paraphrased: When people show U who they are, believe them, the first time.

Remember:

Love is the triumph of Hope over Experience.

=================================
In the book: Ground Rules Chapter 5, (pgs. 71-96); Cynicism (pgs 218, 269, 272, 303); Chemistry (Chapter 6 pgs. 96-119); sarcasm (pgs 271-273); How to get back into the fray after disappointment found all thru the book and has it’s own Chapter 4 (pgs 38-70).

Dating over 40, Face Reality

Good Morning America had a segment yesterday about a 52 year old woman who "faced her fear" and re-entered the dating scene after years of abstinence [not the same as sexual famine].

Remember that old book, Face Your Fear & Do It Anyway ?

That's the bottom line. It is not going to get any easier and tomorrow you will b one day older.

The fears are legion and long: fear of picking the wrong Mr. Right; fear of removing clothing and not being as virile, as attractive; fear of failure; fear of people finding out (the old fashioned stigma is no longer viable); fear of the unknown; fear of losing your privacy; fear of going on a date with an undesirable; fear for your safety; etc.

Speaking of entering the 21st Century. Throw out all those antiquated notions. Who cares who does the asking? (old thought=Don't make the first move).

The obtacles seem insurmountable. You haven' tdated since high school? News Flash: It's just as awkward. Sorry. U got thru it then, you can get thru it now.

Motivation is the key. Get Motivated! (see Chapter 1 to find out how). Rely on the younger generation if U r computer challenged. Be creative. Be assertive.

So many are hesitant. For Boomers, opportunities are fewer and different. Face the facts. You cannot concor your fear. But U can get started. Some wise person said, "99% of success is showing up."

GMA's family therapist, Terry Real, suggests that you take baby steps and enlist help where you need it. This lady enlisted the help of her teenage daughters.
My book, In Search of Your Last 1st Date, addresses re-entry fears throughout the book, but explicitly in Chapter 7 (On Your Mark, Get Set, Go-Ready, Willing, and Able to Get Real(istic) on pgs 123-149). Check out Chapters 4, The "F" Word.

Get Crackin'

January Blaas

I hate this time of year...always out of $$$, cold, lonely...ick!

Probably why I always leave the frigid cold of Iowa for a bit of sunshine somewhere in winter.

And, of course, my ancient laptop finally died a sudden death. Lousy timing, as my book is about to be birthed and blog needs attention, and, and...I'm sure many will relate, as is there EVER a good time to lose something? A relationship, a computer, a bunch of data?

Haven't figured out what to do about the data, photos the computer guy is saving for me from defunct computer...external hard drive, new laptop, NoteBook?

It's probably mostly a function of dollars, but one, ultimately, must make a decision...

I've been doing daily due diligence on picking out a new computer system...it's like the dominoes theory...or fixing a plumbing leak...one thing breaks and the entire system has to be redone. New cables, learning curve, change cell phone service or ????

Much to think about...

Wish I could just go buy a replacement computer and not worry about how it will 'fit in' with the budget, the remaining system, printer, aircard, Internet and how to get what I truly NEED...Sort of like finding and picking out the right guy I guess...

He might not work for all, but best 4 me...

Hey it's only minus 15 today and will get up to 2 degrees this entire week! Wind chill Advisory...

U get the picture...

Say warm and hug someone 2day!

How Much Baggage is too Much Baggage?

* How much baggage is too much? Our baggage-handling ability varies. As Boomers, we've had lots of time to collect baggage. But many of us haven't learned how to downsize our baggage or recognize it in a potential partner.

* We all have baggage—some well packed, some nicely folded and some that should have been sent to Good Will. Oh the stories I’ve heard from men who’ve run into women with un- or hastily packed baggage. Some carry unwieldy suitcases hindering closeness. Others strew their stuff, tripping up new relationships.

* We’ve proudly battled everything life has thrown at us so far; gladly shouldering our share of mistakes and misdeeds. We’ve suffered, learned, laughed, cried, rejoiced. We’re damaged goods complete with ‘extenuating circumstances’. You get us ‘as is’, baggage and all.

* Baggage takes many forms: personality flaws; errant children; ghastly pasts; despicable exs; unclear, unreasonable expectations; unfinished business; previous deceptions; and lurking health or financial issues.

* Discover baggage ASAP while you’re able to detect and determine amount, size, weight and how much you will be expected to help carry. Then decide if you are strong enough. The law of attraction claims we attract people similar to us. If we come from an abusive background, are emotionally unhealthy, have intimacy problems or haven’t successfully worked through our ‘baggage’; we tend to attract like-kinds. No better reason to clean-up your act.

* Use the 90-Days Ground Rule #1 to go dumpster diving—sorting through the garbage.

For the first two months of our relationship, Mr. Arizona and I enjoyed traveling 13,000 miles throughout the U.S. in his motor home. We’d had fun sightseeing and getting to know each other. We got along so well, we decided to cohabitate at his Arizona home.
Before we were unpacked, his mistress—an intense, exclusive relationship with his computer—emerged. He saw absolutely nothing wrong with playing video games ten or more hours a day, every day; and he would not consider any changes. I viewed it as baggage, an addiction that killed any chance of a relationship. With me. Within 90-Days, be on guard for baggage that is a deal breaker (DB) for U. If you find your reality check bounced, the promissory notes got returned for insufficient funds or the relationship has no traction; ixnay I say.

* Baggage is discussed in depth in my book (check out pages 296-303).