What's a Nice Girl Like U…?
During an interview this week with Mary Marino, the delightful entrepreneur, owner and CEO of the online magazine, Flashionista.com*, I struggled with one particular question. The question was, basically, the exact question I’ve asked myself for several years and one I’m sure is in the mind of many readers:
“What’s wrong with U girl?
Why can’t U find one guy for an ongoing relationship after 400 1st Dates?”
Mary, being a gracious lady, actually asked, “After 10 yrs. & over 400 1st Dates, what have U learned about yourself that might b standing in the way of finding someone?” Great question.
Never one to back off from a challenge, I began listing reasons, excuses, and, finally, hemmed and hawed around for far too long. Shouldn’t I have had a ready answer since that’s one of the reasons I wrote the book? The old fiction, ‘Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.’ comes immediately to mind. But, I happen to agree with
Albert Einstein’s “The only source of knowledge is experience.”
We all have trust and abandonment issues that present obstacles to our quest. Some of us to a greater degree. We ultra-Boomers may have more than our share after suffering disappointments and misadventures.
It is very difficult to see ourselves as others see us. Especially through the eyes & minds of the opposite sex. When we ask our good friends, they say in unison, “U r too picky!” What the heck does that mean anyway? It’s like when men tell their friends, “I dumped her because she’s too high maintenance.” That’s a subject for another time, but ‘picky’ and ‘high maintenance’ are defined individually.
I told Mary that I take responsibility for being part of the problem. Anyone must examine their expectations if they were proactively seeking a SoulMate for as long as I have. I admitted to being unrealistic in the beginning. The first few years I didn’t make locating him enough of a priority. I wasn’t really ready. Maybe the process would have been shorter if my book had been available back then.
If I were seeking a convenient companion, an activity partner, a husband or a sugar daddy, I’d had that long ago. I’ve had half dozen serious marriage proposals from nice guys. Nice guys with no financial restrictions. But I wasn’t just seeking ‘someone’. Locating a SoulMate is a completely different matter. And I didn’t begin to understand the definition of a SoulMate until after my second divorce.
Beyond experience, personality factors into the answer. I’ve had to be independent and strong to raise my son solo living on the expensive west coast. To survive, I had to believe that I didn’t need anyone. I was always trying to prove that I was capable of this or that. I also had to learn that need does not equal needy. Some of us stubborn Germans are slow learners.
I come across as capable, not dependent and in need. Men seem to get that message loud and clear. In fact, at times I am and other times I’m not. But, I now know that I need a capable, smart, open-minded equal. An interdependent relationship with a guy who is not intimidated by my façade of strength and my periodic bouts of intensity. An intensity that could come across, those rare times when I feel I have found that creature, as any number of not-so-wonderful traits. Imagine that intensity from the other side? It could even mimic desperation.
I know what I need, what trips my trigger and when I find him, I know it within a few dates. It is difficult to wait for him to catch up. I am impatient. I don’t want to fake being merely interested, but know that one must dish out the same amount of affection and interest as the other person is capable of receiving in their process to get to know U. Otherwise, the unbalance will trip up the budding relationship and cause one participant to run in fear.
Mary then asked me if I believed there is only one Mr. Perfect? I scoffed since I believe that one is destined to failure with that bizarre belief. I also do not believe that I just haven’t yet met the right guy. With 78 million Boomers (two-thirds of them single), surely I have already met many that could-have-been my SoulMate. Actually, I recognized several Potentials.
What, then, is the problem? Ground Rule #7: “Timing is Everything” speaks volumes. Timing, as I describe it in my book, “occurs when, just for this instant, this moment in time, his readiness, his reality, and his life stage somehow, magically, miraculously match yours.”
As I survey my heartbreaks, I discovered that one Potential thought he was ready, yet he wasn’t quite there. Another went back to his previous GF. Another wasn’t that into me, not literally, but figuratively. He realized it, but he failed to inform me. In hindsight, I misdiagnosed another Potential. The last one was a coward who evaporated sans explanation. Maybe I didn’t investigate thoroughly. Maybe I trusted with full belief that he was disclosing all the important and relevant information that affected ‘us’. Ground Rule #6 ruled: ‘There is always more to the story’.
I’ve heard from a plethora of men that they suffer regret by not recognizing a quality potential SoulMate before they became experienced enough to know what they needed. They sigh and sob that they ‘mismanaged’ the relationship, didn’t take the process seriously or brushed her off too soon. Maybe thinking that there were more and better options around the corner. In reality, I tell them, they were simply not ready. We need two ready people for a relationship to blossom.
I have one strong clue. Most of the nice guys I declined to date beyond the 1st Date have since found their SoulMate and are happily playing duo in their retirement. They send me e’s about their happiness and photos to show off their ‘Look at us!’ miles. Was our encounter a mismatch or was he ready and I was not?
Mary inquired about a related question that she had an answer, “Do U think adopting a different mindset would help?” The answer, obviously, is ‘of course’. But what is that other mindset? She, ike me, believes that there is a very real need for the information in my book, but she'd figured out this one herself. As a never-been-married career woman at 47, she recognized her paramour (for the past 4 years) after meeting only 6 online guys! She worked through her initial reservations in the relationship, took the risk and won the Lottery of Love.
The rest of the answer? For me, not yet totally revealed. Stay tuned. I’ll figure it out. Remember, I’m a slow learner, but I do not give up easily.
*The answers to the other great questions, that I actually could answer, can be found in an upcoming issue Mary’s the Flashionista Report at www.Flashionist.com. It’s a free bi-weekly e-newsletter that is a guide to hot topics and cool information about fashion, lifestyle and well-being for Boomettes.
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