My goal was to be realistically optimistic. Most Boomers, I continually believe, strive to keep an open mind, believe that we’re all fallible humans and want to find ‘the One’ with honesty and without tramping on other’s dreams. We strive to not cave into the cynical abyss, to become hardened and bitter despite evidence to the contrary that (wo)men can’t be trusted.
One of the most important lessons for Boomers in my book is how to get over a disappointing experience when Internet dating. How not to become discouraged when a Potential becomes an ex.
Many of U can relate to this experience.
When those of us who are rarely attracted to the opposite sex finally decide to take the plunge and trust are, once again, summarily dumped without explanation, who can blame us?
I’ve had men, many men, make promises and plans and suddenly renege and disappear, sometimes without warning, but always without closure.
One month I had 3 guys, who I’d been e-ing for months, each offering to join me somewhere for an ‘adventure,’ evaporated. Yes, all three of them! Go figure. It was disappointing, but not that discouraging since I had not had much experience with them in person, and therefore, were not attracted to them. I was not expecting any of them to follow thru. Ok, maybe one guy whom I had dated, seemed sincere and had proven in the past to be forthcoming and had followed thru on another occasion. Later, I discover that he had run off to Hawaii with a newly minted financee who was 20 yrs his junior. That’s another story concerning men, the age of their ‘conquests’ and, in his case, being pre-programmed to be attracted to exotic, foreign women.
The hurt, the broken dreams, the broken heart comes when we let down our guard and ‘fall’ for a guy who seems to be both reliable and honest. When I say ‘fall’ I mean the Chemistry/compatibility scales match and we want to believe.
Usually guys who are reliable are not that fun in bed, and fizzle. Those who sizzle in bed are not usually guys U can count on. After a 3-year hiatus from relationships, I thought I’d found a unique combination.
Mr. Wisc. pursued me with aplomb. I became mentally attracted to him. The ‘him’ he showed me, the ‘him’ I saw. He had what I admire. He was capable, intelligent, adventurous and we had similar visions of the life. 100% compatibility. When we discovered our Chemistry was 100%, I should have been leery.
Should, coulda, woulda. [Shoulda pulled out ‘The Ground Rules’, especially #1-90% of all relationships don’t last 90-Days].
He traveled hours to spend days with me. He flew, last minute, to Oregon to spend a week with my friends and me. Spontaneous. Yeah!
He complained several times about people who say they will do things and then don’t follow thru. I commiserated. I’ve had the very same experience. He gave c Surely a guy who understands and isn’t this way.opious examples of times he’d had to proceed alone when another dropped out.
He spent Thanksgiving with my family and friends. We poured over maps planning a Summer excursion. We enjoyed each other, watching TV, walking, and in the sack. Did I believe? U bet I did!
He declined to go to SunDiego for my family Christmas, but we planned a winter get-away. The ground was in deep freeze, but I wasn’t. A GF invited me to Mexico to her time-share. I declined saying, “My honey & I are going to someplace sunny together and I’ll be warm, very warm, thank you.”
We e-ed back and forth sharing websites and ideas for our trip. He declared, “I’ll get on the computer and make a plan.” Then, “Maybe I’ll drive up next week and we’ll seal it.”
U guessed it. I never heard from him again.
With no closure, the mind makes excuses. At first it’s, “He’s deathly ill and can’t call from the hospital.” A week later, “He’s gotten back together with his last love” even tho I inquired when we first hooked up, “Are U truly over her?”. Empathically he confirms that he is (although it was a 4 year relationship). Then, “Somehow he’s decided I’m not worth the effort”, etc.
Bingo! That’s the right answer. But…what about…when he said, did such-n-such?
Since I long ago learned not to inquire about “his reasons’…having never received an honest answer. Probably because even they don’t know, or care to dissect, therefore learning something about themselves. Anyway, it always comes across as begging, whining, sycophantic and is always fruitless. [see experience on pgs. 370-373 if U want reinforcement about why not to bug him.]
I know, I know it makes it easier with closure. But, sorry people, even closure isn’t closure. If you’ve fallen hard, U will still manufacture reasons it could still work.
Total disconnect is the only ending that works. No ending works well or fast, but chin up, save your dignity and walk in the opposite direction.
Give it up already!I’ve learned that you can never stop someone from dying nor make
someone love U.
It’s difficult to not become cynical when he disappears and becomes ‘one of them’. But sarcasm and cynicism makes U hard. Hard is inflexible, will not bend and poisons your next relationship. Cynicism narrows your focus and guarantees you’ll start your next relationship opportunity with the unfruitful premise “he’s out to hurt me”, “he’s like them”. I can’t trust him. I can’t be open. Such stinkin thinking limits the field.
Resist. Resist. Resist.
Let go of the dream of what U thought U had.If you really had it, he’d still be with you. Or as my son said when I cried, “It was the perfect relationship.” He replied, “Guess not Mom, or he’d still be in it.”
Oprah says, “People show U who they are”. Maya Angelou again, paraphrased: When people show U who they are, believe them, the first time.
Remember:
Love is the triumph of Hope over Experience.=================================
In the book: Ground Rules Chapter 5, (pgs. 71-96); Cynicism (pgs 218, 269, 272, 303); Chemistry (Chapter 6 pgs. 96-119); sarcasm (pgs 271-273); How to get back into the fray after disappointment found all thru the book and has it’s own Chapter 4 (pgs 38-70).
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