No longer underwater and in danger of drowning?
Ok, here’s the deal. Did U ever listen to oldsters wish away their lives and begin to count the days til they would retire and then begin to collect their SS? Did U notice the successful work-a-holics pass a magical age (usually 50) and seem to ‘run out steam’? We heard them say, “I’ll leave this to the younger people with more energy”.
We now know that they not only ‘got smart’ but the testosterone levels were dropping and, as they begin to reassess their lives, they glimpsed what was important and what was instilled in them – programmed if U will – to do. Was it actually wisdom? Was it giving up? Or giving in? Guess what? We r now those people. And don’t we understand them better? If this is the way of the world, and inevitable, is it good or bad? Is it escapable?
That brings me to today’s nightmare. Turning into those we sneered at in our naiveté and youth. I’m not going to jump all the way over the line and easily join those on the other side. No way. But I’ve noticed myself becoming those people. All the while fighting against being those people. A bit like glimpsing my Mom looking back at me from the mirror more times than not.
“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.” ~Socrates, 399 B.C.
Let’s do what I’m going to call from now on “a Bree moment”. Go Saints! SuperBowl last night. Did U c MVP Saints QB Brees immediately after the game holding onto his bright-eyed baby son? His first season of being alive, he was only interested in the colored lights and movement. Brees, with glistening eyes, was subliminally soaking up the admiration of his teammates and the millions of fans; but he was also holding onto what was really important. Forcing himself, consciously, to put his hero-ship in perspective.
Last night an Eagar Reactor (in the book, Ground Rule 5, pgs. 83-84, 130) stood me up. I was not surprised. I was not disappointed. Actually, I was a bit relieved. I didn’t have to get dressed for a date and drive in the snow to meet someone I figured I wouldn’t connect with long term anyway.
Is that the cynicism that I promised myself I would never sub scrum to? It is. No matter how I couch it, it is. No amount of rationalizing can transform that blatant emotion into an admirable trait. I’ve always had what a friend once long ago called “a healthy dose of skepticism”. But this is more than doubt. It’s not pessimism. I’m the original ‘glass half full’ gal. I’m afraid it’s downright realistic. It’s come down to distrust.
Ok, so I’ve never really ‘trusted’ easily. Down deep. I’ve acted like I trusted. And jumped into other people’s unrealistic ways and dreams like I trusted. But did I really?
A preponderance of evidence. Isn’t that what the legal world terms it when the evidence for weights heavier than the evidence against?
Have I really stepped over that invisible line (finally crossing the Rubicon) that labels me resigned? Resigned that I will grow old alone? That my dream of celebrating a big number anniversary will never come to fruition? That my seeking and rejecting and choosing and being rejected over and over is somehow my fault?
I have never been a ‘pushover’. My trait of persistence, which has served me well in many situations, like all traits, has a downside. Combined with my goals and dreams for myself it has allowed me to shine in my career paths. In my personal life, it has let me down. I believe in myself and have always ignored the doubters. And seized many brass rings. But in my personal life, I seek more than brass. And, my dreams have not materialized. Despite my efforts and faith. I’ve slipped into the state of insanity defined as “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.”
Hey, it worked in the work world! I have proof. But, don’t I also have proof that it doesn’t work in my personal life?
Am I really now one of those legion who finally say out loud instead of wondering, “I don’t want to go thru the effort to get a guy in my life”? We’ve all listened to those people (usually they were older than us) and silently chided them for their obviously disingenuous words. Maybe, just maybe, those people were not being hypocrites. As we thought. Maybe they were resigned and working on living with (and surviving) yet another disillusionment.
Does that really have to be a assured stage of life? We’ve suffered many other disillusions as we grew from infancy to adulthood. Is this just one more let down as our bodies slowly join our mind and get ‘down to earth’?
As stated in my book: When disappointment reigns, either take a break or make a new decision about what U want, what U need and what is realistic. What path is need for me and how do I want to frame it?
Yet, look at the Saints. Didn’t they win for the very 1st time? Largest comeback in SuperBowl history. They had to earn it. Incentive. They won with incentive. Three players were Haitians and then there was Katrina and Rita.
Maybe I (we?) should take a chance. Get back into the game...and...
Go for it at 4th and goal!
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