Some parents find it easy to roll around on the floor with their toddlers. I found the stage of early speaking rewarding and surprisingly easy with my son and then again when he reached early adult hood. I felt I had valuable things to offer that he needed in those stages. It’s better for children, me thinks, if a kid has 2 parents (I was a single parent) so that two people can contribute their ‘easy’ stages, hopefully not coinciding.
Which brings me to what concerns me this weekend b4 the big giving thanks opportunity: Thanksgiving. I’ve also noticed through the years while speaking with multitudes of people about their lives that, just as our mind seems to stick us in a certain age (hey, inside I still C myself as 32), everyone gets around to describing a time in their life (their ‘hay days’?)--a time that resonated with some part of their psyche.
A time when they felt, what? Most alive? Most valued? Most useful? Most involved in life? Most successful? I’m thinking of a University professor and author who always waxes nostalgic about his decade in Paris amongst notable and famous authors. Each time we speak, he brings up an adventure or an event from that long ago time. He’s been retired some time now, struggling to write and appears resigned and somehow deflated. I’ve always felt somewhat sad that this stage of his life does not ‘live up to’ past standards.
This week I’ve been wondering if I’m doing the same thing. One of my ‘lacks’ has always been a lousy memory. Every ‘lack’ is also a ‘plus’. It’s hampered my career, but not my personal life (I can never remember why I’m suppose to b mad at anyone and can hide my own Easter eggs. I’m naturally a person who lives in the future and has continually struggled to ‘B Here Now’ as Dam Ross advises.
"Yesterday is a cancelled check, tomorrow is a promissory note, today is cash." I’ve spent very little time reviewing my past and it’s triumphs and tribulations. I was too busy surviving and trying 2 prove myself. ‘To make my mark’ as it were. “The events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves they find their own order,…the continuous thread of revelation.” ~Eudora Welty This week I’ve begun a project that finally got some priority on my bucket list: to note a few major events from each year of my life, i.e. got married, had a child, got a new job, moved, made a decision, etc. Kind of like a life review, an overview of my life’s path, a personal memoir. Maybe to observe the ebb and flow and realize that some decisions I thought were minor actually shaped my life. It is a lengthy project, not just because I’m OLD, but ‘cause I have to locate my journals to rediscover those events.
For example, to sign up for social security I had to put dates of marriage and divorce. I looked up my 1st husband (my son’s dad) on FaceBook and ask him what years we were married (1971-1978). He knew. I knew he’d know, even tho we haven’t communicated for decades.
Here's what scares me. I’ve always believed in every fiber of my being, at every age, that ‘the best was yet 2 b’. That belief (plus my Midwestern work-hard heritage) has faithfully propelled me thru the tough patches and kept my nose to the grindstone and my eye on the goal(s). I’ve always been big on making and reaching goals.
Somehow, somewhere along the way I’ve lost that faith. Not sure if it’s my age or the fact that I now live in the mid-west, far away from what I’ve always considered ‘the action’. Also, in my mind’s eye of ‘the best that was suppose 2 b’ I’ve seen myself as one of those people who I seem to always notice: couples living hand-in-hand with someone who has shared their history, knows what the other thinks and wants and is able to provide some of that.
I’ve worked, schemed, and planned towards this particular ‘goal’ with no success. Why is this one goal so illusive? What am I pretending not to know? What am I incapable of seeing? Is this just another later version of the Mid-life Crisis? Have I learned from my mistakes? And worst of all: Have I already had the best of what is to b ‘Linda’s life’?
I know the solution is a change of perspective, a paradigm shift. But that feels way too close to ‘giving up’ or defeat. I’ve always been invigorated by new challenges. Maybe I need a new project that has some chance 2 succeed. My tenaciousness (another good-bad trait) keeps me from letting go of this particular goal, even tho it is beginning to seem more like a dream than a possibility. Michael J. Fox said on Oprah last week, “I’ve learned the difference between acceptance and resignation.” There must b a reason I latched onto that statement.
“You live life forward. You understand it by looking backward.” I’d still like 2 believe I can look forward to my Halcyon years!
For example, to sign up for social security I had to put dates of marriage and divorce. I looked up my 1st husband (my son’s dad) on FaceBook and ask him what years we were married (1971-1978). He knew. I knew he’d know, even tho we haven’t communicated for decades.
Here's what scares me. I’ve always believed in every fiber of my being, at every age, that ‘the best was yet 2 b’. That belief (plus my Midwestern work-hard heritage) has faithfully propelled me thru the tough patches and kept my nose to the grindstone and my eye on the goal(s). I’ve always been big on making and reaching goals.
Somehow, somewhere along the way I’ve lost that faith. Not sure if it’s my age or the fact that I now live in the mid-west, far away from what I’ve always considered ‘the action’. Also, in my mind’s eye of ‘the best that was suppose 2 b’ I’ve seen myself as one of those people who I seem to always notice: couples living hand-in-hand with someone who has shared their history, knows what the other thinks and wants and is able to provide some of that.
I’ve worked, schemed, and planned towards this particular ‘goal’ with no success. Why is this one goal so illusive? What am I pretending not to know? What am I incapable of seeing? Is this just another later version of the Mid-life Crisis? Have I learned from my mistakes? And worst of all: Have I already had the best of what is to b ‘Linda’s life’?
I know the solution is a change of perspective, a paradigm shift. But that feels way too close to ‘giving up’ or defeat. I’ve always been invigorated by new challenges. Maybe I need a new project that has some chance 2 succeed. My tenaciousness (another good-bad trait) keeps me from letting go of this particular goal, even tho it is beginning to seem more like a dream than a possibility. Michael J. Fox said on Oprah last week, “I’ve learned the difference between acceptance and resignation.” There must b a reason I latched onto that statement.
“You live life forward. You understand it by looking backward.” I’d still like 2 believe I can look forward to my Halcyon years!
