His 6 Tips for Women Seekers

I asked an experienced Internet Boomer guy to give me some quick tips for beginners from a man's perspective. Here are his 6 tips.

1) Women on dating sites ANSWER all your mail even if it's just no thanks. Better to be brutally honest than keep us in the dark.

2) MEN ARE VISUAL CREATURES. (so are women ) We don't want to see your dog cat. Put on your best (and newest) picture and so should us guys! IF you do agree to meet, don't wear something like you would when you just have to run out to Hy Vee for some milk.

3) If there's no chemistry that's OK. He's out there somewhere don't get discouraged. I look at it this way. I was born in Chicago. Had I stayed in Chicago all my life I probably would have met my Ms right there and lived happily ever after (ok maybe not forever but humor me) I moved to the suburbs Had I stayed there met Ms right etc, I left for Cedar Rapids Iowa, Then Omaha, then Georgia, Then…. So in reality POTENTIALLY there were 6 SIX places that to this day still contain that woman of my dreams I never met.

4) Treat the first get together as a mutual meeting of potential friends, not a date. A DATE is when A guy asks a girl out and he pays. A woman should want to invest in her future relationship as well. If it goes beyond that then I'll buy the dinner you get the tip etc.is a great way to not break the guys bank. Figure something out this is 2010 not 1957 and times have changed. Many women make more than the men these days. This is not a time for bruised egos or for a woman to say that she is old fashioned and the man pays regardless. That woman may find that she is not only old fashioned but also an old maid if she keeps that attitude!

5) Affection is ok. If the chemistry's there and things are going well then hold hands wink smile but NOWHERE is it written when or IF you have to have sex. Leave something to the guys imagination for later (remember men are visual->imagination->attraction) OK I think if the relationship is over a few months old and you have BOTH decided that it's monogamous then let your moral compass be your guide. Women remember there are PLAYERS out there (men remember that too ) don't open up your vulnerability too soon. cause if you get hurt you may emotionally shut yourself out of the next and possibly best guy that’s right for you.

6) IF IT GETS SERIOUS to the point of commitment please go to relationship counseling to work out any "issues" or "deal breakers" you might have. Get the book "The Five Languages of Love". It's also on CD or the book Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel it too is on CD.

I replied: love #4 and #5 !!!

Since I often experience compatibility and rarely experience Chemistry, if I do and it seems mutual, I go with it...I've discovered that some guys can either 'fake' Chemistry for a few months or don't know enf about what they seek that they mistake lust for Chemistry. Which makes them seem to b in the same place as I...

Instant SoulMate or Create-as-U-go?

Do U believe in ghosts? Goblins? Lockness Monster? SoulMates?

Do SoulMates actually exisit? During a conversation with a cute southern boy, 62, from Georgia, who titles his profile Looking for Miss Right rather than Miss Right Now! we chatted about SoulMates…

He wrote:
Long ago in a land far away, I ran into a couple with whom I matriculated from high school. She said - 'Heard you were divorced'. I said - Yeah, still looking for my soulmate. She said - listen dumby, you don't meet a soulmate, you culture them over the years.

I replied:
Is that the same as women who marry a man because she sees his potential and tried to make him into that person?
Can U say CHANGE?

Guys usually marry the woman they want to spend the next of their life with and are surprised when she changed....
[Evolved?]

Women, when getting divorced, complain that he is still the guy she married.
[i.e. she wasn't successful in changing him into her idealized version.]

So, I can't agree with that couple...sorry...

Do U agree? What’s your definition of a SoulMate?

In my Book, the definition of SoulMate fills the entire Chapter 6 (pgs 100-122).

Men Behaving Badly or Stinkin' Thinkin'? (Despicable dudes or Cynicism wins?)

When I began this Internet adventure, I swore that I would not become cynical.

My goal was to be realistically optimistic. Most Boomers, I continually believe, strive to keep an open mind, believe that we’re all fallible humans and want to find ‘the One’ with honesty and without tramping on other’s dreams. We strive to not cave into the cynical abyss, to become hardened and bitter despite evidence to the contrary that (wo)men can’t be trusted.

One of the most important lessons for Boomers in my book is how to get over a disappointing experience when Internet dating. How not to become discouraged when a Potential becomes an ex.

Many of U can relate to this experience.

When those of us who are rarely attracted to the opposite sex finally decide to take the plunge and trust are, once again, summarily dumped without explanation, who can blame us?

I’ve had men, many men, make promises and plans and suddenly renege and disappear, sometimes without warning, but always without closure.

One month I had 3 guys, who I’d been e-ing for months, each offering to join me somewhere for an ‘adventure,’ evaporated. Yes, all three of them! Go figure. It was disappointing, but not that discouraging since I had not had much experience with them in person, and therefore, were not attracted to them. I was not expecting any of them to follow thru. Ok, maybe one guy whom I had dated, seemed sincere and had proven in the past to be forthcoming and had followed thru on another occasion. Later, I discover that he had run off to Hawaii with a newly minted financee who was 20 yrs his junior. That’s another story concerning men, the age of their ‘conquests’ and, in his case, being pre-programmed to be attracted to exotic, foreign women.

The hurt, the broken dreams, the broken heart comes when we let down our guard and ‘fall’ for a guy who seems to be both reliable and honest. When I say ‘fall’ I mean the Chemistry/compatibility scales match and we want to believe.

Usually guys who are reliable are not that fun in bed, and fizzle. Those who sizzle in bed are not usually guys U can count on. After a 3-year hiatus from relationships, I thought I’d found a unique combination.

Mr. Wisc. pursued me with aplomb. I became mentally attracted to him. The ‘him’ he showed me, the ‘him’ I saw. He had what I admire. He was capable, intelligent, adventurous and we had similar visions of the life. 100% compatibility. When we discovered our Chemistry was 100%, I should have been leery.

Should, coulda, woulda. [Shoulda pulled out ‘The Ground Rules’, especially #1-90% of all relationships don’t last 90-Days].

He traveled hours to spend days with me. He flew, last minute, to Oregon to spend a week with my friends and me. Spontaneous. Yeah!

He complained several times about people who say they will do things and then don’t follow thru. I commiserated. I’ve had the very same experience. He gave c Surely a guy who understands and isn’t this way.opious examples of times he’d had to proceed alone when another dropped out.

He spent Thanksgiving with my family and friends. We poured over maps planning a Summer excursion. We enjoyed each other, watching TV, walking, and in the sack. Did I believe? U bet I did!

He declined to go to SunDiego for my family Christmas, but we planned a winter get-away. The ground was in deep freeze, but I wasn’t. A GF invited me to Mexico to her time-share. I declined saying, “My honey & I are going to someplace sunny together and I’ll be warm, very warm, thank you.”

We e-ed back and forth sharing websites and ideas for our trip. He declared, “I’ll get on the computer and make a plan.” Then, “Maybe I’ll drive up next week and we’ll seal it.”

U guessed it. I never heard from him again.

With no closure, the mind makes excuses. At first it’s, “He’s deathly ill and can’t call from the hospital.” A week later, “He’s gotten back together with his last love” even tho I inquired when we first hooked up, “Are U truly over her?”. Empathically he confirms that he is (although it was a 4 year relationship). Then, “Somehow he’s decided I’m not worth the effort”, etc.

Bingo! That’s the right answer. But…what about…when he said, did such-n-such?

Since I long ago learned not to inquire about “his reasons’…having never received an honest answer. Probably because even they don’t know, or care to dissect, therefore learning something about themselves. Anyway, it always comes across as begging, whining, sycophantic and is always fruitless. [see experience on pgs. 370-373 if U want reinforcement about why not to bug him.]

I know, I know it makes it easier with closure. But, sorry people, even closure isn’t closure. If you’ve fallen hard, U will still manufacture reasons it could still work.

Total disconnect is the only ending that works. No ending works well or fast, but chin up, save your dignity and walk in the opposite direction.

I’ve learned that you can never stop someone from dying nor make
someone love U.

Give it up already!

It’s difficult to not become cynical when he disappears and becomes ‘one of them’. But sarcasm and cynicism makes U hard. Hard is inflexible, will not bend and poisons your next relationship. Cynicism narrows your focus and guarantees you’ll start your next relationship opportunity with the unfruitful premise “he’s out to hurt me”, “he’s like them”. I can’t trust him. I can’t be open. Such stinkin thinking limits the field.

Resist. Resist. Resist.

Let go of the dream of what U thought U had.

If you really had it, he’d still be with you. Or as my son said when I cried, “It was the perfect relationship.” He replied, “Guess not Mom, or he’d still be in it.”

Oprah says, “People show U who they are”. Maya Angelou again, paraphrased: When people show U who they are, believe them, the first time.

Remember:

Love is the triumph of Hope over Experience.

=================================
In the book: Ground Rules Chapter 5, (pgs. 71-96); Cynicism (pgs 218, 269, 272, 303); Chemistry (Chapter 6 pgs. 96-119); sarcasm (pgs 271-273); How to get back into the fray after disappointment found all thru the book and has it’s own Chapter 4 (pgs 38-70).

Dating over 40, Face Reality

Good Morning America had a segment yesterday about a 52 year old woman who "faced her fear" and re-entered the dating scene after years of abstinence [not the same as sexual famine].

Remember that old book, Face Your Fear & Do It Anyway ?

That's the bottom line. It is not going to get any easier and tomorrow you will b one day older.

The fears are legion and long: fear of picking the wrong Mr. Right; fear of removing clothing and not being as virile, as attractive; fear of failure; fear of people finding out (the old fashioned stigma is no longer viable); fear of the unknown; fear of losing your privacy; fear of going on a date with an undesirable; fear for your safety; etc.

Speaking of entering the 21st Century. Throw out all those antiquated notions. Who cares who does the asking? (old thought=Don't make the first move).

The obtacles seem insurmountable. You haven' tdated since high school? News Flash: It's just as awkward. Sorry. U got thru it then, you can get thru it now.

Motivation is the key. Get Motivated! (see Chapter 1 to find out how). Rely on the younger generation if U r computer challenged. Be creative. Be assertive.

So many are hesitant. For Boomers, opportunities are fewer and different. Face the facts. You cannot concor your fear. But U can get started. Some wise person said, "99% of success is showing up."

GMA's family therapist, Terry Real, suggests that you take baby steps and enlist help where you need it. This lady enlisted the help of her teenage daughters.
My book, In Search of Your Last 1st Date, addresses re-entry fears throughout the book, but explicitly in Chapter 7 (On Your Mark, Get Set, Go-Ready, Willing, and Able to Get Real(istic) on pgs 123-149). Check out Chapters 4, The "F" Word.

Get Crackin'

January Blaas

I hate this time of year...always out of $$$, cold, lonely...ick!

Probably why I always leave the frigid cold of Iowa for a bit of sunshine somewhere in winter.

And, of course, my ancient laptop finally died a sudden death. Lousy timing, as my book is about to be birthed and blog needs attention, and, and...I'm sure many will relate, as is there EVER a good time to lose something? A relationship, a computer, a bunch of data?

Haven't figured out what to do about the data, photos the computer guy is saving for me from defunct computer...external hard drive, new laptop, NoteBook?

It's probably mostly a function of dollars, but one, ultimately, must make a decision...

I've been doing daily due diligence on picking out a new computer system...it's like the dominoes theory...or fixing a plumbing leak...one thing breaks and the entire system has to be redone. New cables, learning curve, change cell phone service or ????

Much to think about...

Wish I could just go buy a replacement computer and not worry about how it will 'fit in' with the budget, the remaining system, printer, aircard, Internet and how to get what I truly NEED...Sort of like finding and picking out the right guy I guess...

He might not work for all, but best 4 me...

Hey it's only minus 15 today and will get up to 2 degrees this entire week! Wind chill Advisory...

U get the picture...

Say warm and hug someone 2day!

How Much Baggage is too Much Baggage?

* How much baggage is too much? Our baggage-handling ability varies. As Boomers, we've had lots of time to collect baggage. But many of us haven't learned how to downsize our baggage or recognize it in a potential partner.

* We all have baggage—some well packed, some nicely folded and some that should have been sent to Good Will. Oh the stories I’ve heard from men who’ve run into women with un- or hastily packed baggage. Some carry unwieldy suitcases hindering closeness. Others strew their stuff, tripping up new relationships.

* We’ve proudly battled everything life has thrown at us so far; gladly shouldering our share of mistakes and misdeeds. We’ve suffered, learned, laughed, cried, rejoiced. We’re damaged goods complete with ‘extenuating circumstances’. You get us ‘as is’, baggage and all.

* Baggage takes many forms: personality flaws; errant children; ghastly pasts; despicable exs; unclear, unreasonable expectations; unfinished business; previous deceptions; and lurking health or financial issues.

* Discover baggage ASAP while you’re able to detect and determine amount, size, weight and how much you will be expected to help carry. Then decide if you are strong enough. The law of attraction claims we attract people similar to us. If we come from an abusive background, are emotionally unhealthy, have intimacy problems or haven’t successfully worked through our ‘baggage’; we tend to attract like-kinds. No better reason to clean-up your act.

* Use the 90-Days Ground Rule #1 to go dumpster diving—sorting through the garbage.

For the first two months of our relationship, Mr. Arizona and I enjoyed traveling 13,000 miles throughout the U.S. in his motor home. We’d had fun sightseeing and getting to know each other. We got along so well, we decided to cohabitate at his Arizona home.
Before we were unpacked, his mistress—an intense, exclusive relationship with his computer—emerged. He saw absolutely nothing wrong with playing video games ten or more hours a day, every day; and he would not consider any changes. I viewed it as baggage, an addiction that killed any chance of a relationship. With me. Within 90-Days, be on guard for baggage that is a deal breaker (DB) for U. If you find your reality check bounced, the promissory notes got returned for insufficient funds or the relationship has no traction; ixnay I say.

* Baggage is discussed in depth in my book (check out pages 296-303).