What? Valentine's Day & No SoulMate Yet?

What's a Nice Girl Like U…?
During an interview this week with Mary Marino, the delightful entrepreneur, owner and CEO of the online magazine, Flashionista.com*, I struggled with one particular question. The question was, basically, the exact question I’ve asked myself for several years and one I’m sure is in the mind of many readers:

“What’s wrong with U girl?
Why can’t U find one guy for an ongoing relationship after 400 1st Dates?”

Mary, being a gracious lady, actually asked, “After 10 yrs. & over 400 1st Dates, what have U learned about yourself that might b standing in the way of finding someone?” Great question.

Never one to back off from a challenge, I began listing reasons, excuses, and, finally, hemmed and hawed around for far too long. Shouldn’t I have had a ready answer since that’s one of the reasons I wrote the book? The old fiction, ‘Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.’ comes immediately to mind. But, I happen to agree with

Albert Einstein’s “The only source of knowledge is experience.”

We all have trust and abandonment issues that present obstacles to our quest. Some of us to a greater degree. We ultra-Boomers may have more than our share after suffering disappointments and misadventures.

It is very difficult to see ourselves as others see us. Especially through the eyes & minds of the opposite sex. When we ask our good friends, they say in unison, “U r too picky!” What the heck does that mean anyway? It’s like when men tell their friends, “I dumped her because she’s too high maintenance.” That’s a subject for another time, but ‘picky’ and ‘high maintenance’ are defined individually.

I told Mary that I take responsibility for being part of the problem. Anyone must examine their expectations if they were proactively seeking a SoulMate for as long as I have. I admitted to being unrealistic in the beginning. The first few years I didn’t make locating him enough of a priority. I wasn’t really ready. Maybe the process would have been shorter if my book had been available back then.

If I were seeking a convenient companion, an activity partner, a husband or a sugar daddy, I’d had that long ago. I’ve had half dozen serious marriage proposals from nice guys. Nice guys with no financial restrictions. But I wasn’t just seeking ‘someone’. Locating a SoulMate is a completely different matter. And I didn’t begin to understand the definition of a SoulMate until after my second divorce.

Beyond experience, personality factors into the answer. I’ve had to be independent and strong to raise my son solo living on the expensive west coast. To survive, I had to believe that I didn’t need anyone. I was always trying to prove that I was capable of this or that. I also had to learn that need does not equal needy. Some of us stubborn Germans are slow learners.

I come across as capable, not dependent and in need. Men seem to get that message loud and clear. In fact, at times I am and other times I’m not. But, I now know that I need a capable, smart, open-minded equal. An interdependent relationship with a guy who is not intimidated by my façade of strength and my periodic bouts of intensity. An intensity that could come across, those rare times when I feel I have found that creature, as any number of not-so-wonderful traits. Imagine that intensity from the other side? It could even mimic desperation.

I know what I need, what trips my trigger and when I find him, I know it within a few dates. It is difficult to wait for him to catch up. I am impatient. I don’t want to fake being merely interested, but know that one must dish out the same amount of affection and interest as the other person is capable of receiving in their process to get to know U. Otherwise, the unbalance will trip up the budding relationship and cause one participant to run in fear.

Mary then asked me if I believed there is only one Mr. Perfect? I scoffed since I believe that one is destined to failure with that bizarre belief. I also do not believe that I just haven’t yet met the right guy. With 78 million Boomers (two-thirds of them single), surely I have already met many that could-have-been my SoulMate. Actually, I recognized several Potentials.

What, then, is the problem? Ground Rule #7: “Timing is Everything” speaks volumes. Timing, as I describe it in my book, “occurs when, just for this instant, this moment in time, his readiness, his reality, and his life stage somehow, magically, miraculously match yours.”

As I survey my heartbreaks, I discovered that one Potential thought he was ready, yet he wasn’t quite there. Another went back to his previous GF. Another wasn’t that into me, not literally, but figuratively. He realized it, but he failed to inform me. In hindsight, I misdiagnosed another Potential. The last one was a coward who evaporated sans explanation. Maybe I didn’t investigate thoroughly. Maybe I trusted with full belief that he was disclosing all the important and relevant information that affected ‘us’. Ground Rule #6 ruled: ‘There is always more to the story’.

I’ve heard from a plethora of men that they suffer regret by not recognizing a quality potential SoulMate before they became experienced enough to know what they needed. They sigh and sob that they ‘mismanaged’ the relationship, didn’t take the process seriously or brushed her off too soon. Maybe thinking that there were more and better options around the corner. In reality, I tell them, they were simply not ready. We need two ready people for a relationship to blossom.

I have one strong clue. Most of the nice guys I declined to date beyond the 1st Date have since found their SoulMate and are happily playing duo in their retirement. They send me e’s about their happiness and photos to show off their ‘Look at us!’ miles. Was our encounter a mismatch or was he ready and I was not?

Mary inquired about a related question that she had an answer, “Do U think adopting a different mindset would help?” The answer, obviously, is ‘of course’. But what is that other mindset? She, ike me, believes that there is a very real need for the information in my book, but she'd figured out this one herself. As a never-been-married career woman at 47, she recognized her paramour (for the past 4 years) after meeting only 6 online guys! She worked through her initial reservations in the relationship, took the risk and won the Lottery of Love.

The rest of the answer? For me, not yet totally revealed. Stay tuned. I’ll figure it out. Remember, I’m a slow learner, but I do not give up easily.

*The answers to the other great questions, that I actually could answer, can be found in an upcoming issue Mary’s the Flashionista Report at www.Flashionist.com. It’s a free bi-weekly e-newsletter that is a guide to hot topics and cool information about fashion, lifestyle and well-being for Boomettes.

On-side Kick

No longer underwater and in danger of drowning?
Ok, here’s the deal. Did U ever listen to oldsters wish away their lives and begin to count the days til they would retire and then begin to collect their SS? Did U notice the successful work-a-holics pass a magical age (usually 50) and seem to ‘run out steam’? We heard them say, “I’ll leave this to the younger people with more energy”.

We now know that they not only ‘got smart’ but the testosterone levels were dropping and, as they begin to reassess their lives, they glimpsed what was important and what was instilled in them – programmed if U will – to do. Was it actually wisdom? Was it giving up? Or giving in? Guess what? We r now those people. And don’t we understand them better? If this is the way of the world, and inevitable, is it good or bad? Is it escapable?

That brings me to today’s nightmare. Turning into those we sneered at in our naiveté and youth. I’m not going to jump all the way over the line and easily join those on the other side. No way. But I’ve noticed myself becoming those people. All the while fighting against being those people. A bit like glimpsing my Mom looking back at me from the mirror more times than not.

“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.” ~Socrates, 399 B.C.

Let’s do what I’m going to call from now on “a Bree moment”. Go Saints! SuperBowl last night. Did U c MVP Saints QB Brees immediately after the game holding onto his bright-eyed baby son? His first season of being alive, he was only interested in the colored lights and movement. Brees, with glistening eyes, was subliminally soaking up the admiration of his teammates and the millions of fans; but he was also holding onto what was really important. Forcing himself, consciously, to put his hero-ship in perspective.

Last night an Eagar Reactor (in the book, Ground Rule 5, pgs. 83-84, 130) stood me up. I was not surprised. I was not disappointed. Actually, I was a bit relieved. I didn’t have to get dressed for a date and drive in the snow to meet someone I figured I wouldn’t connect with long term anyway.

Is that the cynicism that I promised myself I would never sub scrum to? It is. No matter how I couch it, it is. No amount of rationalizing can transform that blatant emotion into an admirable trait. I’ve always had what a friend once long ago called “a healthy dose of skepticism”. But this is more than doubt. It’s not pessimism. I’m the original ‘glass half full’ gal. I’m afraid it’s downright realistic. It’s come down to distrust.

Ok, so I’ve never really ‘trusted’ easily. Down deep. I’ve acted like I trusted. And jumped into other people’s unrealistic ways and dreams like I trusted. But did I really?

A preponderance of evidence. Isn’t that what the legal world terms it when the evidence for weights heavier than the evidence against?

Have I really stepped over that invisible line (finally crossing the Rubicon) that labels me resigned? Resigned that I will grow old alone? That my dream of celebrating a big number anniversary will never come to fruition? That my seeking and rejecting and choosing and being rejected over and over is somehow my fault?

I have never been a ‘pushover’. My trait of persistence, which has served me well in many situations, like all traits, has a downside. Combined with my goals and dreams for myself it has allowed me to shine in my career paths. In my personal life, it has let me down. I believe in myself and have always ignored the doubters. And seized many brass rings. But in my personal life, I seek more than brass. And, my dreams have not materialized. Despite my efforts and faith. I’ve slipped into the state of insanity defined as “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.”

Hey, it worked in the work world! I have proof. But, don’t I also have proof that it doesn’t work in my personal life?

Am I really now one of those legion who finally say out loud instead of wondering, “I don’t want to go thru the effort to get a guy in my life”? We’ve all listened to those people (usually they were older than us) and silently chided them for their obviously disingenuous words. Maybe, just maybe, those people were not being hypocrites. As we thought. Maybe they were resigned and working on living with (and surviving) yet another disillusionment.

Does that really have to be a assured stage of life? We’ve suffered many other disillusions as we grew from infancy to adulthood. Is this just one more let down as our bodies slowly join our mind and get ‘down to earth’?

As stated in my book: When disappointment reigns, either take a break or make a new decision about what U want, what U need and what is realistic. What path is need for me and how do I want to frame it?

Yet, look at the Saints. Didn’t they win for the very 1st time? Largest comeback in SuperBowl history. They had to earn it. Incentive. They won with incentive. Three players were Haitians and then there was Katrina and Rita.

Maybe I (we?) should take a chance. Get back into the game...and...
Go for it at 4th and goal!