Reason #6: Denial.
In an earlier post, I asked U to ‘stay tuned’ as I tried to answer this question. I told you that I am, like U, a work in process. And since this topic is at the crux of the problem and the solution, it must b worked on, compiled, revisited and revised. Which is, as U already know, a Hobby Horse of mine.
Oh not another ‘come 2 Jesus meeting’ with ourselves? What’s left to dissect? How easy it is to peer over our ego and diagnosis others’ ‘problem’ and find the fatal flaws that keep them from finding the Love of their Lives. It is next to impossible to turn around the binoculars and pierce our own souls. It’s a basic instinctual survival trick to keep us from putting a gun to our head for relief from reality.
Have U ever noticed that when we r not vigilant, the veil of denial is accidentally lifted. Walking down the street a retail window becomes a mirror and reflects our image when we are not prepared to shroud it with our minds eye. Is my butt really that big? No way! Must b a defect in the glass.
If you’re like me, U feel some special younger age (mine is 32) on the inside, therefore, how can the calendar say we r 62? Must b some mistake. Last I looked in the mirror, I didn’t look a day over 50. I’ve looked the same for years. Until one vulnerable morning, while putting on our make-up, we all of a sudden do a double take. Where did those 12 years come from?! I didn’t notice those sagging jowls and hooded eyes yesterday morning. Another survival trick to keep us ‘in the game’. Guess Mother Nature thought we could handle a dose of reality this morning. Not sure she was right. Fortunately, we won’t have to endure another such moment for another decade. Whew!
How does denial relate 2 not finding our SoulMate? What are you pretending not to know? Do U have unrealistic expectations? Do U seek that which does not exist? A reality check might b in order. It’s not Fuhgedda-boudit, but Think-about-it.
Stay tuned for Part III: our fears and self-sabatoge.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The “B” Word...Ba-Ba-Baggage
April Fool's Day, 2010. Where did we think we were going 2 b on this day a decade ago? It's a good bet we would not have predicted this!
If you're like me, Single and searching, the question of Baggage must b addressed. Since we all carry baggage, we'll have to deal with a Potentials baggage as well. When is baggage a Deal Breaker?
Baggage can be difficult to detect. The physical mark of previous pain worn by Holocaust survivors fades with time, but it’s easily recognized. We are all survivors of something—child abuse, a mundane life, a tragedy, disappointments and disillusionments. Most such challenges have made us stronger. They leave a mark, but it’s not always visible.
Previous problems and trauma can be positive. Our tough experiences have probably made us better people, better neighbors, better partners, and better parents. Yet, if they haven’t been dealt with and used for growth, they become a problem for a potential partner. Your unpacked baggage becomes their albatross.
Early in my Internet dating experience, I had my share of dates from hell (DFH). I take responsibility because I’d failed to properly pre-qualify them and showed up for a 1st Date. [In-depth description of the all-important picking process found in the book.]
Yesterday I received an e- from a very cute fellow Seeker, Quixote, who’d had “well over 8 years trying to find that soul mate using several internet dating sites”. He has “run into many unexpected personalities and issues”, but thinks “it is the best solution for meeting women at this stage of life”. He sent me a list of personalities and issues he’s experienced.
1. Narcissism
2. Bi-Polar Manic Depression/ Alcoholic
3. Multiple Personality
4. Parental Interference
5. Interference from children/"friends"
6. Married women who claim to be single
7. Controlling personalities
8. Religious freaks
Richard of Arizona calls it “sorting through damaged merchandise”. He says it’s a problem because he “hasn’t been exposed to the stuff we’re trying to get away from”. It’s difficult to recognize a bi-polar personality if we haven’t previously known anyone with that affliction.
We all have our bag of tricks to discover hidden agendas and baggage. Quixote resorted to the psychology book DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) to help identify/understand the personalities.
“Since we don’t have much time left,” Quixote elaborated, "I decided to “pick someone reasonably sane and go for it”. Subsequently, he had several live-in relationships . “In this close exposure I discovered those personalities and issues”.
To b fair, women told him stories about men who fit those descriptions, plus the sociopath (the Ted Bundy personality). This “personality is not in DSM-IV but will be covered in the next version of DSM (version V)”.
We do not have to go to that extreme to recognize this type of baggage. Quixote and I compared ways to discern problem areas (baggage). He compiled his own list of rules. [Compared with mine in a later post].
We all have baggage. We all respond differently to others’ baggage. Our task is to determine if his/her luggage is something we can handle. If it is a Deal Breaker.
Has Quixote given up? Absolutley not! Armed with this new info, he's still seeking: “I learned to value my freedom of being a single person living in peace.”
“Peace is its own reward.” ~Mohandas Gandhi
‘Personality’ baggage encountered by Quixote may qualify as luggage, but it is too hot, too heavy and too much for any of us to lug around. It's an obvious Deal Breaker. These personalities, if the Ground Rules are followed, will be discovered within ninety-days (Ground Rule #1). None of us should ever get to the co-habitating stage.
Learn from our experienced in baggage handling. Take the passion out of the picking process. Use our tactics to discover pink and red flags. Make a ditch decision (No-Go) before Chemistry kicks in and makes it impossible to walk away or think clearly.
“The only source of knowledge is experience.” ~Albert Einstein.
If you're like me, Single and searching, the question of Baggage must b addressed. Since we all carry baggage, we'll have to deal with a Potentials baggage as well. When is baggage a Deal Breaker?
Baggage can be difficult to detect. The physical mark of previous pain worn by Holocaust survivors fades with time, but it’s easily recognized. We are all survivors of something—child abuse, a mundane life, a tragedy, disappointments and disillusionments. Most such challenges have made us stronger. They leave a mark, but it’s not always visible.
Previous problems and trauma can be positive. Our tough experiences have probably made us better people, better neighbors, better partners, and better parents. Yet, if they haven’t been dealt with and used for growth, they become a problem for a potential partner. Your unpacked baggage becomes their albatross.
Early in my Internet dating experience, I had my share of dates from hell (DFH). I take responsibility because I’d failed to properly pre-qualify them and showed up for a 1st Date. [In-depth description of the all-important picking process found in the book.]
Yesterday I received an e- from a very cute fellow Seeker, Quixote, who’d had “well over 8 years trying to find that soul mate using several internet dating sites”. He has “run into many unexpected personalities and issues”, but thinks “it is the best solution for meeting women at this stage of life”. He sent me a list of personalities and issues he’s experienced.
1. Narcissism
2. Bi-Polar Manic Depression/ Alcoholic
3. Multiple Personality
4. Parental Interference
5. Interference from children/"friends"
6. Married women who claim to be single
7. Controlling personalities
8. Religious freaks
Richard of Arizona calls it “sorting through damaged merchandise”. He says it’s a problem because he “hasn’t been exposed to the stuff we’re trying to get away from”. It’s difficult to recognize a bi-polar personality if we haven’t previously known anyone with that affliction.
We all have our bag of tricks to discover hidden agendas and baggage. Quixote resorted to the psychology book DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) to help identify/understand the personalities.
“Since we don’t have much time left,” Quixote elaborated, "I decided to “pick someone reasonably sane and go for it”. Subsequently, he had several live-in relationships . “In this close exposure I discovered those personalities and issues”.
To b fair, women told him stories about men who fit those descriptions, plus the sociopath (the Ted Bundy personality). This “personality is not in DSM-IV but will be covered in the next version of DSM (version V)”.
We do not have to go to that extreme to recognize this type of baggage. Quixote and I compared ways to discern problem areas (baggage). He compiled his own list of rules. [Compared with mine in a later post].
We all have baggage. We all respond differently to others’ baggage. Our task is to determine if his/her luggage is something we can handle. If it is a Deal Breaker.
Has Quixote given up? Absolutley not! Armed with this new info, he's still seeking: “I learned to value my freedom of being a single person living in peace.”
“Peace is its own reward.” ~Mohandas Gandhi
‘Personality’ baggage encountered by Quixote may qualify as luggage, but it is too hot, too heavy and too much for any of us to lug around. It's an obvious Deal Breaker. These personalities, if the Ground Rules are followed, will be discovered within ninety-days (Ground Rule #1). None of us should ever get to the co-habitating stage.
Learn from our experienced in baggage handling. Take the passion out of the picking process. Use our tactics to discover pink and red flags. Make a ditch decision (No-Go) before Chemistry kicks in and makes it impossible to walk away or think clearly.
“The only source of knowledge is experience.” ~Albert Einstein.
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