Bloggers in the news this week-May 2-8

Unexpected Gifts...

Thwarted & Realized Dreams

I know that Nashville is under water. I know the Dow Jones dropped 1,000 pts in mere minutes. I know Tiger and Phil, the thrill, almost missed the cut at the Players. I know terrorists are still plotting our demise. Of course I know it’s Mother’s Day weekend. I’ve been working in a florist shop on that holiday for years. I live that weekend like few get to—basking in the joy of picking out, arranging and selling those tributes even b 4 the Mother’s even lay eyes on their gifts. Lucky me.

This missive is not about Mother’s. It is about mother’s and fathers. It’s about those of us who have learned that most our Bucket Lists can still b realized at any age, with ‘conditions’. We’re not surprised, are we? Life has always not only been unfair, but ‘with conditions’. Alas, many of us never learn this lesson. It comes right after auguring thru the years and suffering infinite blows of disilusionment. If we’re still standing and still interested in growing, we get to ‘work on’ that predicament.

This is about those of us who still tilt at windmills and refuse to let the ugliness of life intrude on our consciousness. We still have a chance at a second and third version of our lives. Many of us, by this age, have suffered unknowable tragedies—losing a child, a chance, a parent, a limb, a home, our retirement, our mind or our health. Yes, life is, ultimately, about loss. Even these unfortunate souls can get to the brink of ‘next’—making them luckier than those of us who have not had to surmount the highest mountains and still find a way to face the next day.

I’m also including those of us who make our own mountains out of generally invisible molehills. We have seen the enemy, and we face it in the mirror. It reflects those of us who lament real or manufactured faults to the point of inaction: "I’m too [fill in the blank—fat, stupid, poor, tired…]" or "I don’t have enough […money, love, support, advantage, friends…]." It's just as paralyzing.

Some of us, after experiencing the vicissitudes of life, have, throughout our lives, altered our Bucket List. After several broken ankles, a torn hamstring, an ACL blown, a broken leg, a bad left knee and right hip, I’ve crossed off an item from my list written in my early 20’s: “jump out of a perfectly good airplane’. Thirty-five years ago when RAGBRAI, the bike ride across Iowa, was created, I added it to my list. Life, as it tends to do with our plans, got in the way. This year I’m planning on accomplishing that feat, altered somewhat given my present condition. I’ll do 3 of the 7 days, therefore accomplishing my goal, given current conditions.

If conditionally is a negative word in your vocabulary, GET OVER IT! It’s a matter of one of the themes of my book—the dreaded Change. A perfect illustration? Think of a world class long distant runner who loses his legs in an accident. The one who now competitively competes in marathons in his (wheel) chair. Think about it. Are U tough enf, persistent enf, resourceful enf, flexible enf to pursue your dreams ‘in altered conditions’?

Another theme in my book is that ‘it’s never too late’; but b mindful that although we have arrived at the moment when ‘our toes curl over the edge of our grave’, we are still on the sunny top side of the grass.

And, all together class: 'We still have options!'

Unlike 56 yr old mud engineer, Keith Manuel, who does no longer. Divorced father of 3 grown daughters had plans to be married next month. Unfortunately, he was one of the eleven rig worker souls lost in the explosion in the Gulf of Mexico--uxenexpected and unwanted dreams thwarted.

Yet, the hills are live with music, even for Julie Andrews, who underwent a botched surgery on her voice box in 1997 and was told that she would ‘never sing again’. Not only a loss for her --her livelihood, her gift, her self-image--but also loss for her past and potential audience. Tonight she will mount a stage in Londo and sing again for the first time in 30 years! With a caveat to her listeners to lower their expectations: “Please don’t expect me to sound like before,” she warned.

Did she play potato bug and curl mutely into a fetal position? No way. After processing her grief, she went on to become a writer, an actress with speaking roles and Dame Andrews. And after tonight, she’ll have become the new songster Julie Andrews, having accomplished her goal, conditionally.

Life is a tenuous, evanescent, fragile gift. What are U doing, thinking today?

The Wistfulness of Boomers

This phenomena of wistfulness is mentioned briefly in my book: “Boomers suffer from a pervasive feeling of ‘persistent wistfulness’. Searching. For meaning. A purpose. A reason for living. Longing for an unfulfilled need. A desire for ‘one final fling’. For one last chance to satisfy that craving.”

Wistful can be defined as a pervasive yearning and feeling a prolonged melancholy for something not acquired, not experienced. This ‘label’ may feel sad and too pensive, too pessimistic and the immediate temptation is to pooh-pooh its existence in our lives. Before you disregard this feeling in yourself, consider that it may be the harbinger of change, of positive action.

There is no avoiding wistfulness, as it comes with the territory. My favorite poem, Robert Frost’s, The Road Not Taken expounds on 'there is no reverse in life' with a situation that we've all faced (consciously or not) in our lives, “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both and be one traveler, long I stood…Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”As Boomers, we have already gone down that road taken.

We have a very short supply of EVERYTHING: time, hope, options, healthy days.

Frost knows that we can’t go back and take the first road. But we can still feel wistful and regret. Our choice is to either harness its energy or buckle under to its weight.

Of course if you are suffering from nostalgia for something past, there aren’t any antidotes.
If you feel a desire, an unsatisfied longing for something better than the present situation, something not yet lived; there is hope. The key word here is ‘live’. You are in the drivers seat. Whose name is going 2 b on your headstone? Take charge of that person’s life force while it is still possible.

U might remember a T. S. Eliot’s poem from our high school lit class, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock in which he finds himself closer to the end than the beginning: “It was a soft October night”. Is that not where we Boomers find ourselves in the relative scheme of life? Three-quarters through our allotted time on earth has passed. He ponders what he’s done and what he could do. At first he is hopeful, “There will be time, there will be time for you and time for me, and time yet for a hundred indecisions, and for a hundred visions and revisions.”

Then he remembers how he has lived his life so far, “I have measured out my life with coffee spoons” But then: “And indeed there will be time to wonder, ‘Do I dare?’ and Time to turn back and descend the stair.” He questions whether he has it in him and if, indeed, there really is time, “Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.” He wonders if he’ll “Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? (…) I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, and in short, I was afraid.”
It’s open to interpretation, but my reading is that he caves into his previous way of life.

It’s easy to say we will do something different, witnessed in the popular poem, When I Am Old I Will Wear Purple. Will she? Some doubt it. It is not easy to change, to buck the Juggernaut tidal wave of wistful. Discontentment with the present situation can be a strong motivator for change if we resist. If we don’t let it drown us in drink or denial or inertia, or hopelessness.
It takes just as much energy to become a champion channel changer, grumbler, or resister.

If U have a hankering or a yearning to get or do something you’ve not yet done, write it on your Bucket List and start figuring out what it takes to get started. If you are SoulMate-less and haven’t looked, Just Do It! If you’ve searched and have not yet succeeded, change something and get off your duff. Those who don’t buy lottery tickets have zero chance to cash in.
What have u got to lose? What is the worse case scenario? Think about how the best case scenario looks, feels? What would U b doing now if U had that special someone?

An 80-year old woman wrote in a recent Ask Amy column that she’d been married twice and never felt giddy ‘in love’ until she recently met her third husband. It’s never too late, she reminds us. Do U have the guts, the courage, or the audaciousness? U have the time. Do U feel entitled to happiness, to round three? There is an expert to answer that question. Consult the Avatar of that engraved name on the marble headstone.

Go as far as you can see. When you get there you will be able to see further. ~Thomas Carlyle

Part II, “Why Can’t We Find Our SoulMate?”

Reason #6: Denial.

In an earlier post, I asked U to ‘stay tuned’ as I tried to answer this question. I told you that I am, like U, a work in process. And since this topic is at the crux of the problem and the solution, it must b worked on, compiled, revisited and revised. Which is, as U already know, a Hobby Horse of mine.

Oh not another ‘come 2 Jesus meeting’ with ourselves? What’s left to dissect? How easy it is to peer over our ego and diagnosis others’ ‘problem’ and find the fatal flaws that keep them from finding the Love of their Lives. It is next to impossible to turn around the binoculars and pierce our own souls. It’s a basic instinctual survival trick to keep us from putting a gun to our head for relief from reality.

Have U ever noticed that when we r not vigilant, the veil of denial is accidentally lifted. Walking down the street a retail window becomes a mirror and reflects our image when we are not prepared to shroud it with our minds eye. Is my butt really that big? No way! Must b a defect in the glass.

If you’re like me, U feel some special younger age (mine is 32) on the inside, therefore, how can the calendar say we r 62? Must b some mistake. Last I looked in the mirror, I didn’t look a day over 50. I’ve looked the same for years. Until one vulnerable morning, while putting on our make-up, we all of a sudden do a double take. Where did those 12 years come from?! I didn’t notice those sagging jowls and hooded eyes yesterday morning. Another survival trick to keep us ‘in the game’. Guess Mother Nature thought we could handle a dose of reality this morning. Not sure she was right. Fortunately, we won’t have to endure another such moment for another decade. Whew!

How does denial relate 2 not finding our SoulMate? What are you pretending not to know? Do U have unrealistic expectations? Do U seek that which does not exist? A reality check might b in order. It’s not Fuhgedda-boudit, but Think-about-it.

Stay tuned for Part III: our fears and self-sabatoge.

The “B” Word...Ba-Ba-Baggage

April Fool's Day, 2010. Where did we think we were going 2 b on this day a decade ago? It's a good bet we would not have predicted this!

If you're like me, Single and searching, the question of Baggage must b addressed. Since we all carry baggage, we'll have to deal with a Potentials baggage as well. When is baggage a Deal Breaker?

Baggage can be difficult to detect. The physical mark of previous pain worn by Holocaust survivors fades with time, but it’s easily recognized. We are all survivors of something—child abuse, a mundane life, a tragedy, disappointments and disillusionments. Most such challenges have made us stronger. They leave a mark, but it’s not always visible.

Previous problems and trauma can be positive. Our tough experiences have probably made us better people, better neighbors, better partners, and better parents. Yet, if they haven’t been dealt with and used for growth, they become a problem for a potential partner. Your unpacked baggage becomes their albatross.

Early in my Internet dating experience, I had my share of dates from hell (DFH). I take responsibility because I’d failed to properly pre-qualify them and showed up for a 1st Date. [In-depth description of the all-important picking process found in the book.]

Yesterday I received an e- from a very cute fellow Seeker, Quixote, who’d had “well over 8 years trying to find that soul mate using several internet dating sites”. He has “run into many unexpected personalities and issues”, but thinks “it is the best solution for meeting women at this stage of life”. He sent me a list of personalities and issues he’s experienced.

1. Narcissism
2. Bi-Polar Manic Depression/ Alcoholic
3. Multiple Personality
4. Parental Interference
5. Interference from children/"friends"
6. Married women who claim to be single
7. Controlling personalities
8. Religious freaks

Richard of Arizona calls it “sorting through damaged merchandise”. He says it’s a problem because he “hasn’t been exposed to the stuff we’re trying to get away from”. It’s difficult to recognize a bi-polar personality if we haven’t previously known anyone with that affliction.

We all have our bag of tricks to discover hidden agendas and baggage. Quixote resorted to the psychology book DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) to help identify/understand the personalities.

“Since we don’t have much time left,” Quixote elaborated, "I decided to “pick someone reasonably sane and go for it”. Subsequently, he had several live-in relationships . “In this close exposure I discovered those personalities and issues”.

To b fair, women told him stories about men who fit those descriptions, plus the sociopath (the Ted Bundy personality). This “personality is not in DSM-IV but will be covered in the next version of DSM (version V)”.

We do not have to go to that extreme to recognize this type of baggage. Quixote and I compared ways to discern problem areas (baggage). He compiled his own list of rules. [Compared with mine in a later post].

We all have baggage. We all respond differently to others’ baggage. Our task is to determine if his/her luggage is something we can handle. If it is a Deal Breaker.

Has Quixote given up? Absolutley not! Armed with this new info, he's still seeking: “I learned to value my freedom of being a single person living in peace.”

“Peace is its own reward.” ~Mohandas Gandhi

‘Personality’ baggage encountered by Quixote may qualify as luggage, but it is too hot, too heavy and too much for any of us to lug around. It's an obvious Deal Breaker. These personalities, if the Ground Rules are followed, will be discovered within ninety-days (Ground Rule #1). None of us should ever get to the co-habitating stage.

Learn from our experienced in baggage handling. Take the passion out of the picking process. Use our tactics to discover pink and red flags. Make a ditch decision (No-Go) before Chemistry kicks in and makes it impossible to walk away or think clearly.

“The only source of knowledge is experience.” ~Albert Einstein.

Aging. It Ain't 4 the Faint of Heart!

One thing we wish we never learned about ourselves.

I’ve always had a cherub face and looked younger than my chronological age. It angered me. I always wanted to be older, i.e. suave and sophisticated. I wanted the gaunt, exotic, dramatic look of the ‘60’s movie stars.

One of the 1st signs that my body was degenerating occurred around 40. I slowly noticed that I was no longer asked for my ID when buying alcohol. Then, I got my wisdom teeth pulled, and all of a sudden, I had ‘less than round’ cheeks. Way 2 go girl! I thought. If I had known, I would have had that done years ago.

While traveling in recent years, I’ve secretly been thrilled [or going out of my way to] ordered a beer at an airport lounge as they were asked me for my ID. And the lightening was'nt even dimmed. Eventually I observed, dejected, as I realized they asked EVERYONE 4 their ID. Some sort of blanket control mechanism? Damn!

I occasional work at a grocery store in Iowa. The cash register, when ringing up an alcoholic beverage, asks that we enter the customer’s birth date. Last week in Oregon, shopping for a dinner party, I purchased a bottle of wine. Checking prices while unpacking, I noticed printed blatantly on the receipt, “age verification bypassed”. If there was ever a reason to pop the cork pre-dinner! Proof, once again, that we can never, ever outrun the aging process.

Hint to grocers: If the customer looks way too old to verify age, quietly push the ‘it’s ok’ button, but do not rub it in by printing it in black & white on our receipt! We may b past any doubt, but we r old enf to drink and we still have enf money & sense to shop elsewhere.

“Calm, calm me more! nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.”
~Matthew Arnold

What? Valentine's Day & No SoulMate Yet?

What's a Nice Girl Like U…?
During an interview this week with Mary Marino, the delightful entrepreneur, owner and CEO of the online magazine, Flashionista.com*, I struggled with one particular question. The question was, basically, the exact question I’ve asked myself for several years and one I’m sure is in the mind of many readers:

“What’s wrong with U girl?
Why can’t U find one guy for an ongoing relationship after 400 1st Dates?”

Mary, being a gracious lady, actually asked, “After 10 yrs. & over 400 1st Dates, what have U learned about yourself that might b standing in the way of finding someone?” Great question.

Never one to back off from a challenge, I began listing reasons, excuses, and, finally, hemmed and hawed around for far too long. Shouldn’t I have had a ready answer since that’s one of the reasons I wrote the book? The old fiction, ‘Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.’ comes immediately to mind. But, I happen to agree with

Albert Einstein’s “The only source of knowledge is experience.”

We all have trust and abandonment issues that present obstacles to our quest. Some of us to a greater degree. We ultra-Boomers may have more than our share after suffering disappointments and misadventures.

It is very difficult to see ourselves as others see us. Especially through the eyes & minds of the opposite sex. When we ask our good friends, they say in unison, “U r too picky!” What the heck does that mean anyway? It’s like when men tell their friends, “I dumped her because she’s too high maintenance.” That’s a subject for another time, but ‘picky’ and ‘high maintenance’ are defined individually.

I told Mary that I take responsibility for being part of the problem. Anyone must examine their expectations if they were proactively seeking a SoulMate for as long as I have. I admitted to being unrealistic in the beginning. The first few years I didn’t make locating him enough of a priority. I wasn’t really ready. Maybe the process would have been shorter if my book had been available back then.

If I were seeking a convenient companion, an activity partner, a husband or a sugar daddy, I’d had that long ago. I’ve had half dozen serious marriage proposals from nice guys. Nice guys with no financial restrictions. But I wasn’t just seeking ‘someone’. Locating a SoulMate is a completely different matter. And I didn’t begin to understand the definition of a SoulMate until after my second divorce.

Beyond experience, personality factors into the answer. I’ve had to be independent and strong to raise my son solo living on the expensive west coast. To survive, I had to believe that I didn’t need anyone. I was always trying to prove that I was capable of this or that. I also had to learn that need does not equal needy. Some of us stubborn Germans are slow learners.

I come across as capable, not dependent and in need. Men seem to get that message loud and clear. In fact, at times I am and other times I’m not. But, I now know that I need a capable, smart, open-minded equal. An interdependent relationship with a guy who is not intimidated by my façade of strength and my periodic bouts of intensity. An intensity that could come across, those rare times when I feel I have found that creature, as any number of not-so-wonderful traits. Imagine that intensity from the other side? It could even mimic desperation.

I know what I need, what trips my trigger and when I find him, I know it within a few dates. It is difficult to wait for him to catch up. I am impatient. I don’t want to fake being merely interested, but know that one must dish out the same amount of affection and interest as the other person is capable of receiving in their process to get to know U. Otherwise, the unbalance will trip up the budding relationship and cause one participant to run in fear.

Mary then asked me if I believed there is only one Mr. Perfect? I scoffed since I believe that one is destined to failure with that bizarre belief. I also do not believe that I just haven’t yet met the right guy. With 78 million Boomers (two-thirds of them single), surely I have already met many that could-have-been my SoulMate. Actually, I recognized several Potentials.

What, then, is the problem? Ground Rule #7: “Timing is Everything” speaks volumes. Timing, as I describe it in my book, “occurs when, just for this instant, this moment in time, his readiness, his reality, and his life stage somehow, magically, miraculously match yours.”

As I survey my heartbreaks, I discovered that one Potential thought he was ready, yet he wasn’t quite there. Another went back to his previous GF. Another wasn’t that into me, not literally, but figuratively. He realized it, but he failed to inform me. In hindsight, I misdiagnosed another Potential. The last one was a coward who evaporated sans explanation. Maybe I didn’t investigate thoroughly. Maybe I trusted with full belief that he was disclosing all the important and relevant information that affected ‘us’. Ground Rule #6 ruled: ‘There is always more to the story’.

I’ve heard from a plethora of men that they suffer regret by not recognizing a quality potential SoulMate before they became experienced enough to know what they needed. They sigh and sob that they ‘mismanaged’ the relationship, didn’t take the process seriously or brushed her off too soon. Maybe thinking that there were more and better options around the corner. In reality, I tell them, they were simply not ready. We need two ready people for a relationship to blossom.

I have one strong clue. Most of the nice guys I declined to date beyond the 1st Date have since found their SoulMate and are happily playing duo in their retirement. They send me e’s about their happiness and photos to show off their ‘Look at us!’ miles. Was our encounter a mismatch or was he ready and I was not?

Mary inquired about a related question that she had an answer, “Do U think adopting a different mindset would help?” The answer, obviously, is ‘of course’. But what is that other mindset? She, ike me, believes that there is a very real need for the information in my book, but she'd figured out this one herself. As a never-been-married career woman at 47, she recognized her paramour (for the past 4 years) after meeting only 6 online guys! She worked through her initial reservations in the relationship, took the risk and won the Lottery of Love.

The rest of the answer? For me, not yet totally revealed. Stay tuned. I’ll figure it out. Remember, I’m a slow learner, but I do not give up easily.

*The answers to the other great questions, that I actually could answer, can be found in an upcoming issue Mary’s the Flashionista Report at www.Flashionist.com. It’s a free bi-weekly e-newsletter that is a guide to hot topics and cool information about fashion, lifestyle and well-being for Boomettes.

On-side Kick

No longer underwater and in danger of drowning?
Ok, here’s the deal. Did U ever listen to oldsters wish away their lives and begin to count the days til they would retire and then begin to collect their SS? Did U notice the successful work-a-holics pass a magical age (usually 50) and seem to ‘run out steam’? We heard them say, “I’ll leave this to the younger people with more energy”.

We now know that they not only ‘got smart’ but the testosterone levels were dropping and, as they begin to reassess their lives, they glimpsed what was important and what was instilled in them – programmed if U will – to do. Was it actually wisdom? Was it giving up? Or giving in? Guess what? We r now those people. And don’t we understand them better? If this is the way of the world, and inevitable, is it good or bad? Is it escapable?

That brings me to today’s nightmare. Turning into those we sneered at in our naiveté and youth. I’m not going to jump all the way over the line and easily join those on the other side. No way. But I’ve noticed myself becoming those people. All the while fighting against being those people. A bit like glimpsing my Mom looking back at me from the mirror more times than not.

“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.” ~Socrates, 399 B.C.

Let’s do what I’m going to call from now on “a Bree moment”. Go Saints! SuperBowl last night. Did U c MVP Saints QB Brees immediately after the game holding onto his bright-eyed baby son? His first season of being alive, he was only interested in the colored lights and movement. Brees, with glistening eyes, was subliminally soaking up the admiration of his teammates and the millions of fans; but he was also holding onto what was really important. Forcing himself, consciously, to put his hero-ship in perspective.

Last night an Eagar Reactor (in the book, Ground Rule 5, pgs. 83-84, 130) stood me up. I was not surprised. I was not disappointed. Actually, I was a bit relieved. I didn’t have to get dressed for a date and drive in the snow to meet someone I figured I wouldn’t connect with long term anyway.

Is that the cynicism that I promised myself I would never sub scrum to? It is. No matter how I couch it, it is. No amount of rationalizing can transform that blatant emotion into an admirable trait. I’ve always had what a friend once long ago called “a healthy dose of skepticism”. But this is more than doubt. It’s not pessimism. I’m the original ‘glass half full’ gal. I’m afraid it’s downright realistic. It’s come down to distrust.

Ok, so I’ve never really ‘trusted’ easily. Down deep. I’ve acted like I trusted. And jumped into other people’s unrealistic ways and dreams like I trusted. But did I really?

A preponderance of evidence. Isn’t that what the legal world terms it when the evidence for weights heavier than the evidence against?

Have I really stepped over that invisible line (finally crossing the Rubicon) that labels me resigned? Resigned that I will grow old alone? That my dream of celebrating a big number anniversary will never come to fruition? That my seeking and rejecting and choosing and being rejected over and over is somehow my fault?

I have never been a ‘pushover’. My trait of persistence, which has served me well in many situations, like all traits, has a downside. Combined with my goals and dreams for myself it has allowed me to shine in my career paths. In my personal life, it has let me down. I believe in myself and have always ignored the doubters. And seized many brass rings. But in my personal life, I seek more than brass. And, my dreams have not materialized. Despite my efforts and faith. I’ve slipped into the state of insanity defined as “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.”

Hey, it worked in the work world! I have proof. But, don’t I also have proof that it doesn’t work in my personal life?

Am I really now one of those legion who finally say out loud instead of wondering, “I don’t want to go thru the effort to get a guy in my life”? We’ve all listened to those people (usually they were older than us) and silently chided them for their obviously disingenuous words. Maybe, just maybe, those people were not being hypocrites. As we thought. Maybe they were resigned and working on living with (and surviving) yet another disillusionment.

Does that really have to be a assured stage of life? We’ve suffered many other disillusions as we grew from infancy to adulthood. Is this just one more let down as our bodies slowly join our mind and get ‘down to earth’?

As stated in my book: When disappointment reigns, either take a break or make a new decision about what U want, what U need and what is realistic. What path is need for me and how do I want to frame it?

Yet, look at the Saints. Didn’t they win for the very 1st time? Largest comeback in SuperBowl history. They had to earn it. Incentive. They won with incentive. Three players were Haitians and then there was Katrina and Rita.

Maybe I (we?) should take a chance. Get back into the game...and...
Go for it at 4th and goal!