The “B” Word...Ba-Ba-Baggage

April Fool's Day, 2010. Where did we think we were going 2 b on this day a decade ago? It's a good bet we would not have predicted this!

If you're like me, Single and searching, the question of Baggage must b addressed. Since we all carry baggage, we'll have to deal with a Potentials baggage as well. When is baggage a Deal Breaker?

Baggage can be difficult to detect. The physical mark of previous pain worn by Holocaust survivors fades with time, but it’s easily recognized. We are all survivors of something—child abuse, a mundane life, a tragedy, disappointments and disillusionments. Most such challenges have made us stronger. They leave a mark, but it’s not always visible.

Previous problems and trauma can be positive. Our tough experiences have probably made us better people, better neighbors, better partners, and better parents. Yet, if they haven’t been dealt with and used for growth, they become a problem for a potential partner. Your unpacked baggage becomes their albatross.

Early in my Internet dating experience, I had my share of dates from hell (DFH). I take responsibility because I’d failed to properly pre-qualify them and showed up for a 1st Date. [In-depth description of the all-important picking process found in the book.]

Yesterday I received an e- from a very cute fellow Seeker, Quixote, who’d had “well over 8 years trying to find that soul mate using several internet dating sites”. He has “run into many unexpected personalities and issues”, but thinks “it is the best solution for meeting women at this stage of life”. He sent me a list of personalities and issues he’s experienced.

1. Narcissism
2. Bi-Polar Manic Depression/ Alcoholic
3. Multiple Personality
4. Parental Interference
5. Interference from children/"friends"
6. Married women who claim to be single
7. Controlling personalities
8. Religious freaks

Richard of Arizona calls it “sorting through damaged merchandise”. He says it’s a problem because he “hasn’t been exposed to the stuff we’re trying to get away from”. It’s difficult to recognize a bi-polar personality if we haven’t previously known anyone with that affliction.

We all have our bag of tricks to discover hidden agendas and baggage. Quixote resorted to the psychology book DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) to help identify/understand the personalities.

“Since we don’t have much time left,” Quixote elaborated, "I decided to “pick someone reasonably sane and go for it”. Subsequently, he had several live-in relationships . “In this close exposure I discovered those personalities and issues”.

To b fair, women told him stories about men who fit those descriptions, plus the sociopath (the Ted Bundy personality). This “personality is not in DSM-IV but will be covered in the next version of DSM (version V)”.

We do not have to go to that extreme to recognize this type of baggage. Quixote and I compared ways to discern problem areas (baggage). He compiled his own list of rules. [Compared with mine in a later post].

We all have baggage. We all respond differently to others’ baggage. Our task is to determine if his/her luggage is something we can handle. If it is a Deal Breaker.

Has Quixote given up? Absolutley not! Armed with this new info, he's still seeking: “I learned to value my freedom of being a single person living in peace.”

“Peace is its own reward.” ~Mohandas Gandhi

‘Personality’ baggage encountered by Quixote may qualify as luggage, but it is too hot, too heavy and too much for any of us to lug around. It's an obvious Deal Breaker. These personalities, if the Ground Rules are followed, will be discovered within ninety-days (Ground Rule #1). None of us should ever get to the co-habitating stage.

Learn from our experienced in baggage handling. Take the passion out of the picking process. Use our tactics to discover pink and red flags. Make a ditch decision (No-Go) before Chemistry kicks in and makes it impossible to walk away or think clearly.

“The only source of knowledge is experience.” ~Albert Einstein.

How Much Baggage is too Much Baggage?

* How much baggage is too much? Our baggage-handling ability varies. As Boomers, we've had lots of time to collect baggage. But many of us haven't learned how to downsize our baggage or recognize it in a potential partner.

* We all have baggage—some well packed, some nicely folded and some that should have been sent to Good Will. Oh the stories I’ve heard from men who’ve run into women with un- or hastily packed baggage. Some carry unwieldy suitcases hindering closeness. Others strew their stuff, tripping up new relationships.

* We’ve proudly battled everything life has thrown at us so far; gladly shouldering our share of mistakes and misdeeds. We’ve suffered, learned, laughed, cried, rejoiced. We’re damaged goods complete with ‘extenuating circumstances’. You get us ‘as is’, baggage and all.

* Baggage takes many forms: personality flaws; errant children; ghastly pasts; despicable exs; unclear, unreasonable expectations; unfinished business; previous deceptions; and lurking health or financial issues.

* Discover baggage ASAP while you’re able to detect and determine amount, size, weight and how much you will be expected to help carry. Then decide if you are strong enough. The law of attraction claims we attract people similar to us. If we come from an abusive background, are emotionally unhealthy, have intimacy problems or haven’t successfully worked through our ‘baggage’; we tend to attract like-kinds. No better reason to clean-up your act.

* Use the 90-Days Ground Rule #1 to go dumpster diving—sorting through the garbage.

For the first two months of our relationship, Mr. Arizona and I enjoyed traveling 13,000 miles throughout the U.S. in his motor home. We’d had fun sightseeing and getting to know each other. We got along so well, we decided to cohabitate at his Arizona home.
Before we were unpacked, his mistress—an intense, exclusive relationship with his computer—emerged. He saw absolutely nothing wrong with playing video games ten or more hours a day, every day; and he would not consider any changes. I viewed it as baggage, an addiction that killed any chance of a relationship. With me. Within 90-Days, be on guard for baggage that is a deal breaker (DB) for U. If you find your reality check bounced, the promissory notes got returned for insufficient funds or the relationship has no traction; ixnay I say.

* Baggage is discussed in depth in my book (check out pages 296-303).