Aging. It Ain't 4 the Faint of Heart!

One thing we wish we never learned about ourselves.

I’ve always had a cherub face and looked younger than my chronological age. It angered me. I always wanted to be older, i.e. suave and sophisticated. I wanted the gaunt, exotic, dramatic look of the ‘60’s movie stars.

One of the 1st signs that my body was degenerating occurred around 40. I slowly noticed that I was no longer asked for my ID when buying alcohol. Then, I got my wisdom teeth pulled, and all of a sudden, I had ‘less than round’ cheeks. Way 2 go girl! I thought. If I had known, I would have had that done years ago.

While traveling in recent years, I’ve secretly been thrilled [or going out of my way to] ordered a beer at an airport lounge as they were asked me for my ID. And the lightening was'nt even dimmed. Eventually I observed, dejected, as I realized they asked EVERYONE 4 their ID. Some sort of blanket control mechanism? Damn!

I occasional work at a grocery store in Iowa. The cash register, when ringing up an alcoholic beverage, asks that we enter the customer’s birth date. Last week in Oregon, shopping for a dinner party, I purchased a bottle of wine. Checking prices while unpacking, I noticed printed blatantly on the receipt, “age verification bypassed”. If there was ever a reason to pop the cork pre-dinner! Proof, once again, that we can never, ever outrun the aging process.

Hint to grocers: If the customer looks way too old to verify age, quietly push the ‘it’s ok’ button, but do not rub it in by printing it in black & white on our receipt! We may b past any doubt, but we r old enf to drink and we still have enf money & sense to shop elsewhere.

“Calm, calm me more! nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.”
~Matthew Arnold

What? Valentine's Day & No SoulMate Yet?

What's a Nice Girl Like U…?
During an interview this week with Mary Marino, the delightful entrepreneur, owner and CEO of the online magazine, Flashionista.com*, I struggled with one particular question. The question was, basically, the exact question I’ve asked myself for several years and one I’m sure is in the mind of many readers:

“What’s wrong with U girl?
Why can’t U find one guy for an ongoing relationship after 400 1st Dates?”

Mary, being a gracious lady, actually asked, “After 10 yrs. & over 400 1st Dates, what have U learned about yourself that might b standing in the way of finding someone?” Great question.

Never one to back off from a challenge, I began listing reasons, excuses, and, finally, hemmed and hawed around for far too long. Shouldn’t I have had a ready answer since that’s one of the reasons I wrote the book? The old fiction, ‘Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.’ comes immediately to mind. But, I happen to agree with

Albert Einstein’s “The only source of knowledge is experience.”

We all have trust and abandonment issues that present obstacles to our quest. Some of us to a greater degree. We ultra-Boomers may have more than our share after suffering disappointments and misadventures.

It is very difficult to see ourselves as others see us. Especially through the eyes & minds of the opposite sex. When we ask our good friends, they say in unison, “U r too picky!” What the heck does that mean anyway? It’s like when men tell their friends, “I dumped her because she’s too high maintenance.” That’s a subject for another time, but ‘picky’ and ‘high maintenance’ are defined individually.

I told Mary that I take responsibility for being part of the problem. Anyone must examine their expectations if they were proactively seeking a SoulMate for as long as I have. I admitted to being unrealistic in the beginning. The first few years I didn’t make locating him enough of a priority. I wasn’t really ready. Maybe the process would have been shorter if my book had been available back then.

If I were seeking a convenient companion, an activity partner, a husband or a sugar daddy, I’d had that long ago. I’ve had half dozen serious marriage proposals from nice guys. Nice guys with no financial restrictions. But I wasn’t just seeking ‘someone’. Locating a SoulMate is a completely different matter. And I didn’t begin to understand the definition of a SoulMate until after my second divorce.

Beyond experience, personality factors into the answer. I’ve had to be independent and strong to raise my son solo living on the expensive west coast. To survive, I had to believe that I didn’t need anyone. I was always trying to prove that I was capable of this or that. I also had to learn that need does not equal needy. Some of us stubborn Germans are slow learners.

I come across as capable, not dependent and in need. Men seem to get that message loud and clear. In fact, at times I am and other times I’m not. But, I now know that I need a capable, smart, open-minded equal. An interdependent relationship with a guy who is not intimidated by my façade of strength and my periodic bouts of intensity. An intensity that could come across, those rare times when I feel I have found that creature, as any number of not-so-wonderful traits. Imagine that intensity from the other side? It could even mimic desperation.

I know what I need, what trips my trigger and when I find him, I know it within a few dates. It is difficult to wait for him to catch up. I am impatient. I don’t want to fake being merely interested, but know that one must dish out the same amount of affection and interest as the other person is capable of receiving in their process to get to know U. Otherwise, the unbalance will trip up the budding relationship and cause one participant to run in fear.

Mary then asked me if I believed there is only one Mr. Perfect? I scoffed since I believe that one is destined to failure with that bizarre belief. I also do not believe that I just haven’t yet met the right guy. With 78 million Boomers (two-thirds of them single), surely I have already met many that could-have-been my SoulMate. Actually, I recognized several Potentials.

What, then, is the problem? Ground Rule #7: “Timing is Everything” speaks volumes. Timing, as I describe it in my book, “occurs when, just for this instant, this moment in time, his readiness, his reality, and his life stage somehow, magically, miraculously match yours.”

As I survey my heartbreaks, I discovered that one Potential thought he was ready, yet he wasn’t quite there. Another went back to his previous GF. Another wasn’t that into me, not literally, but figuratively. He realized it, but he failed to inform me. In hindsight, I misdiagnosed another Potential. The last one was a coward who evaporated sans explanation. Maybe I didn’t investigate thoroughly. Maybe I trusted with full belief that he was disclosing all the important and relevant information that affected ‘us’. Ground Rule #6 ruled: ‘There is always more to the story’.

I’ve heard from a plethora of men that they suffer regret by not recognizing a quality potential SoulMate before they became experienced enough to know what they needed. They sigh and sob that they ‘mismanaged’ the relationship, didn’t take the process seriously or brushed her off too soon. Maybe thinking that there were more and better options around the corner. In reality, I tell them, they were simply not ready. We need two ready people for a relationship to blossom.

I have one strong clue. Most of the nice guys I declined to date beyond the 1st Date have since found their SoulMate and are happily playing duo in their retirement. They send me e’s about their happiness and photos to show off their ‘Look at us!’ miles. Was our encounter a mismatch or was he ready and I was not?

Mary inquired about a related question that she had an answer, “Do U think adopting a different mindset would help?” The answer, obviously, is ‘of course’. But what is that other mindset? She, ike me, believes that there is a very real need for the information in my book, but she'd figured out this one herself. As a never-been-married career woman at 47, she recognized her paramour (for the past 4 years) after meeting only 6 online guys! She worked through her initial reservations in the relationship, took the risk and won the Lottery of Love.

The rest of the answer? For me, not yet totally revealed. Stay tuned. I’ll figure it out. Remember, I’m a slow learner, but I do not give up easily.

*The answers to the other great questions, that I actually could answer, can be found in an upcoming issue Mary’s the Flashionista Report at www.Flashionist.com. It’s a free bi-weekly e-newsletter that is a guide to hot topics and cool information about fashion, lifestyle and well-being for Boomettes.

On-side Kick

No longer underwater and in danger of drowning?
Ok, here’s the deal. Did U ever listen to oldsters wish away their lives and begin to count the days til they would retire and then begin to collect their SS? Did U notice the successful work-a-holics pass a magical age (usually 50) and seem to ‘run out steam’? We heard them say, “I’ll leave this to the younger people with more energy”.

We now know that they not only ‘got smart’ but the testosterone levels were dropping and, as they begin to reassess their lives, they glimpsed what was important and what was instilled in them – programmed if U will – to do. Was it actually wisdom? Was it giving up? Or giving in? Guess what? We r now those people. And don’t we understand them better? If this is the way of the world, and inevitable, is it good or bad? Is it escapable?

That brings me to today’s nightmare. Turning into those we sneered at in our naiveté and youth. I’m not going to jump all the way over the line and easily join those on the other side. No way. But I’ve noticed myself becoming those people. All the while fighting against being those people. A bit like glimpsing my Mom looking back at me from the mirror more times than not.

“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.” ~Socrates, 399 B.C.

Let’s do what I’m going to call from now on “a Bree moment”. Go Saints! SuperBowl last night. Did U c MVP Saints QB Brees immediately after the game holding onto his bright-eyed baby son? His first season of being alive, he was only interested in the colored lights and movement. Brees, with glistening eyes, was subliminally soaking up the admiration of his teammates and the millions of fans; but he was also holding onto what was really important. Forcing himself, consciously, to put his hero-ship in perspective.

Last night an Eagar Reactor (in the book, Ground Rule 5, pgs. 83-84, 130) stood me up. I was not surprised. I was not disappointed. Actually, I was a bit relieved. I didn’t have to get dressed for a date and drive in the snow to meet someone I figured I wouldn’t connect with long term anyway.

Is that the cynicism that I promised myself I would never sub scrum to? It is. No matter how I couch it, it is. No amount of rationalizing can transform that blatant emotion into an admirable trait. I’ve always had what a friend once long ago called “a healthy dose of skepticism”. But this is more than doubt. It’s not pessimism. I’m the original ‘glass half full’ gal. I’m afraid it’s downright realistic. It’s come down to distrust.

Ok, so I’ve never really ‘trusted’ easily. Down deep. I’ve acted like I trusted. And jumped into other people’s unrealistic ways and dreams like I trusted. But did I really?

A preponderance of evidence. Isn’t that what the legal world terms it when the evidence for weights heavier than the evidence against?

Have I really stepped over that invisible line (finally crossing the Rubicon) that labels me resigned? Resigned that I will grow old alone? That my dream of celebrating a big number anniversary will never come to fruition? That my seeking and rejecting and choosing and being rejected over and over is somehow my fault?

I have never been a ‘pushover’. My trait of persistence, which has served me well in many situations, like all traits, has a downside. Combined with my goals and dreams for myself it has allowed me to shine in my career paths. In my personal life, it has let me down. I believe in myself and have always ignored the doubters. And seized many brass rings. But in my personal life, I seek more than brass. And, my dreams have not materialized. Despite my efforts and faith. I’ve slipped into the state of insanity defined as “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.”

Hey, it worked in the work world! I have proof. But, don’t I also have proof that it doesn’t work in my personal life?

Am I really now one of those legion who finally say out loud instead of wondering, “I don’t want to go thru the effort to get a guy in my life”? We’ve all listened to those people (usually they were older than us) and silently chided them for their obviously disingenuous words. Maybe, just maybe, those people were not being hypocrites. As we thought. Maybe they were resigned and working on living with (and surviving) yet another disillusionment.

Does that really have to be a assured stage of life? We’ve suffered many other disillusions as we grew from infancy to adulthood. Is this just one more let down as our bodies slowly join our mind and get ‘down to earth’?

As stated in my book: When disappointment reigns, either take a break or make a new decision about what U want, what U need and what is realistic. What path is need for me and how do I want to frame it?

Yet, look at the Saints. Didn’t they win for the very 1st time? Largest comeback in SuperBowl history. They had to earn it. Incentive. They won with incentive. Three players were Haitians and then there was Katrina and Rita.

Maybe I (we?) should take a chance. Get back into the game...and...
Go for it at 4th and goal!

His 6 Tips for Women Seekers

I asked an experienced Internet Boomer guy to give me some quick tips for beginners from a man's perspective. Here are his 6 tips.

1) Women on dating sites ANSWER all your mail even if it's just no thanks. Better to be brutally honest than keep us in the dark.

2) MEN ARE VISUAL CREATURES. (so are women ) We don't want to see your dog cat. Put on your best (and newest) picture and so should us guys! IF you do agree to meet, don't wear something like you would when you just have to run out to Hy Vee for some milk.

3) If there's no chemistry that's OK. He's out there somewhere don't get discouraged. I look at it this way. I was born in Chicago. Had I stayed in Chicago all my life I probably would have met my Ms right there and lived happily ever after (ok maybe not forever but humor me) I moved to the suburbs Had I stayed there met Ms right etc, I left for Cedar Rapids Iowa, Then Omaha, then Georgia, Then…. So in reality POTENTIALLY there were 6 SIX places that to this day still contain that woman of my dreams I never met.

4) Treat the first get together as a mutual meeting of potential friends, not a date. A DATE is when A guy asks a girl out and he pays. A woman should want to invest in her future relationship as well. If it goes beyond that then I'll buy the dinner you get the tip etc.is a great way to not break the guys bank. Figure something out this is 2010 not 1957 and times have changed. Many women make more than the men these days. This is not a time for bruised egos or for a woman to say that she is old fashioned and the man pays regardless. That woman may find that she is not only old fashioned but also an old maid if she keeps that attitude!

5) Affection is ok. If the chemistry's there and things are going well then hold hands wink smile but NOWHERE is it written when or IF you have to have sex. Leave something to the guys imagination for later (remember men are visual->imagination->attraction) OK I think if the relationship is over a few months old and you have BOTH decided that it's monogamous then let your moral compass be your guide. Women remember there are PLAYERS out there (men remember that too ) don't open up your vulnerability too soon. cause if you get hurt you may emotionally shut yourself out of the next and possibly best guy that’s right for you.

6) IF IT GETS SERIOUS to the point of commitment please go to relationship counseling to work out any "issues" or "deal breakers" you might have. Get the book "The Five Languages of Love". It's also on CD or the book Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel it too is on CD.

I replied: love #4 and #5 !!!

Since I often experience compatibility and rarely experience Chemistry, if I do and it seems mutual, I go with it...I've discovered that some guys can either 'fake' Chemistry for a few months or don't know enf about what they seek that they mistake lust for Chemistry. Which makes them seem to b in the same place as I...

Instant SoulMate or Create-as-U-go?

Do U believe in ghosts? Goblins? Lockness Monster? SoulMates?

Do SoulMates actually exisit? During a conversation with a cute southern boy, 62, from Georgia, who titles his profile Looking for Miss Right rather than Miss Right Now! we chatted about SoulMates…

He wrote:
Long ago in a land far away, I ran into a couple with whom I matriculated from high school. She said - 'Heard you were divorced'. I said - Yeah, still looking for my soulmate. She said - listen dumby, you don't meet a soulmate, you culture them over the years.

I replied:
Is that the same as women who marry a man because she sees his potential and tried to make him into that person?
Can U say CHANGE?

Guys usually marry the woman they want to spend the next of their life with and are surprised when she changed....
[Evolved?]

Women, when getting divorced, complain that he is still the guy she married.
[i.e. she wasn't successful in changing him into her idealized version.]

So, I can't agree with that couple...sorry...

Do U agree? What’s your definition of a SoulMate?

In my Book, the definition of SoulMate fills the entire Chapter 6 (pgs 100-122).

Men Behaving Badly or Stinkin' Thinkin'? (Despicable dudes or Cynicism wins?)

When I began this Internet adventure, I swore that I would not become cynical.

My goal was to be realistically optimistic. Most Boomers, I continually believe, strive to keep an open mind, believe that we’re all fallible humans and want to find ‘the One’ with honesty and without tramping on other’s dreams. We strive to not cave into the cynical abyss, to become hardened and bitter despite evidence to the contrary that (wo)men can’t be trusted.

One of the most important lessons for Boomers in my book is how to get over a disappointing experience when Internet dating. How not to become discouraged when a Potential becomes an ex.

Many of U can relate to this experience.

When those of us who are rarely attracted to the opposite sex finally decide to take the plunge and trust are, once again, summarily dumped without explanation, who can blame us?

I’ve had men, many men, make promises and plans and suddenly renege and disappear, sometimes without warning, but always without closure.

One month I had 3 guys, who I’d been e-ing for months, each offering to join me somewhere for an ‘adventure,’ evaporated. Yes, all three of them! Go figure. It was disappointing, but not that discouraging since I had not had much experience with them in person, and therefore, were not attracted to them. I was not expecting any of them to follow thru. Ok, maybe one guy whom I had dated, seemed sincere and had proven in the past to be forthcoming and had followed thru on another occasion. Later, I discover that he had run off to Hawaii with a newly minted financee who was 20 yrs his junior. That’s another story concerning men, the age of their ‘conquests’ and, in his case, being pre-programmed to be attracted to exotic, foreign women.

The hurt, the broken dreams, the broken heart comes when we let down our guard and ‘fall’ for a guy who seems to be both reliable and honest. When I say ‘fall’ I mean the Chemistry/compatibility scales match and we want to believe.

Usually guys who are reliable are not that fun in bed, and fizzle. Those who sizzle in bed are not usually guys U can count on. After a 3-year hiatus from relationships, I thought I’d found a unique combination.

Mr. Wisc. pursued me with aplomb. I became mentally attracted to him. The ‘him’ he showed me, the ‘him’ I saw. He had what I admire. He was capable, intelligent, adventurous and we had similar visions of the life. 100% compatibility. When we discovered our Chemistry was 100%, I should have been leery.

Should, coulda, woulda. [Shoulda pulled out ‘The Ground Rules’, especially #1-90% of all relationships don’t last 90-Days].

He traveled hours to spend days with me. He flew, last minute, to Oregon to spend a week with my friends and me. Spontaneous. Yeah!

He complained several times about people who say they will do things and then don’t follow thru. I commiserated. I’ve had the very same experience. He gave c Surely a guy who understands and isn’t this way.opious examples of times he’d had to proceed alone when another dropped out.

He spent Thanksgiving with my family and friends. We poured over maps planning a Summer excursion. We enjoyed each other, watching TV, walking, and in the sack. Did I believe? U bet I did!

He declined to go to SunDiego for my family Christmas, but we planned a winter get-away. The ground was in deep freeze, but I wasn’t. A GF invited me to Mexico to her time-share. I declined saying, “My honey & I are going to someplace sunny together and I’ll be warm, very warm, thank you.”

We e-ed back and forth sharing websites and ideas for our trip. He declared, “I’ll get on the computer and make a plan.” Then, “Maybe I’ll drive up next week and we’ll seal it.”

U guessed it. I never heard from him again.

With no closure, the mind makes excuses. At first it’s, “He’s deathly ill and can’t call from the hospital.” A week later, “He’s gotten back together with his last love” even tho I inquired when we first hooked up, “Are U truly over her?”. Empathically he confirms that he is (although it was a 4 year relationship). Then, “Somehow he’s decided I’m not worth the effort”, etc.

Bingo! That’s the right answer. But…what about…when he said, did such-n-such?

Since I long ago learned not to inquire about “his reasons’…having never received an honest answer. Probably because even they don’t know, or care to dissect, therefore learning something about themselves. Anyway, it always comes across as begging, whining, sycophantic and is always fruitless. [see experience on pgs. 370-373 if U want reinforcement about why not to bug him.]

I know, I know it makes it easier with closure. But, sorry people, even closure isn’t closure. If you’ve fallen hard, U will still manufacture reasons it could still work.

Total disconnect is the only ending that works. No ending works well or fast, but chin up, save your dignity and walk in the opposite direction.

I’ve learned that you can never stop someone from dying nor make
someone love U.

Give it up already!

It’s difficult to not become cynical when he disappears and becomes ‘one of them’. But sarcasm and cynicism makes U hard. Hard is inflexible, will not bend and poisons your next relationship. Cynicism narrows your focus and guarantees you’ll start your next relationship opportunity with the unfruitful premise “he’s out to hurt me”, “he’s like them”. I can’t trust him. I can’t be open. Such stinkin thinking limits the field.

Resist. Resist. Resist.

Let go of the dream of what U thought U had.

If you really had it, he’d still be with you. Or as my son said when I cried, “It was the perfect relationship.” He replied, “Guess not Mom, or he’d still be in it.”

Oprah says, “People show U who they are”. Maya Angelou again, paraphrased: When people show U who they are, believe them, the first time.

Remember:

Love is the triumph of Hope over Experience.

=================================
In the book: Ground Rules Chapter 5, (pgs. 71-96); Cynicism (pgs 218, 269, 272, 303); Chemistry (Chapter 6 pgs. 96-119); sarcasm (pgs 271-273); How to get back into the fray after disappointment found all thru the book and has it’s own Chapter 4 (pgs 38-70).

Dating over 40, Face Reality

Good Morning America had a segment yesterday about a 52 year old woman who "faced her fear" and re-entered the dating scene after years of abstinence [not the same as sexual famine].

Remember that old book, Face Your Fear & Do It Anyway ?

That's the bottom line. It is not going to get any easier and tomorrow you will b one day older.

The fears are legion and long: fear of picking the wrong Mr. Right; fear of removing clothing and not being as virile, as attractive; fear of failure; fear of people finding out (the old fashioned stigma is no longer viable); fear of the unknown; fear of losing your privacy; fear of going on a date with an undesirable; fear for your safety; etc.

Speaking of entering the 21st Century. Throw out all those antiquated notions. Who cares who does the asking? (old thought=Don't make the first move).

The obtacles seem insurmountable. You haven' tdated since high school? News Flash: It's just as awkward. Sorry. U got thru it then, you can get thru it now.

Motivation is the key. Get Motivated! (see Chapter 1 to find out how). Rely on the younger generation if U r computer challenged. Be creative. Be assertive.

So many are hesitant. For Boomers, opportunities are fewer and different. Face the facts. You cannot concor your fear. But U can get started. Some wise person said, "99% of success is showing up."

GMA's family therapist, Terry Real, suggests that you take baby steps and enlist help where you need it. This lady enlisted the help of her teenage daughters.
My book, In Search of Your Last 1st Date, addresses re-entry fears throughout the book, but explicitly in Chapter 7 (On Your Mark, Get Set, Go-Ready, Willing, and Able to Get Real(istic) on pgs 123-149). Check out Chapters 4, The "F" Word.

Get Crackin'